Everyone has heard of the terrible twos (and threes!). Tears, tantrums, erratic behaviour. Don’t even try to find the logic behind it, because you won’t. Or so they say. Turns out, there is a logical reason behind a child’s difficult behaviour. In fact, it all boils down to two simple things – attention and communication. Here’s what Dr. Ong Mian Li, a clinical child and adolescent psychologist at NTUC First Campus, wants you to know about encouraging good behaviour and strengthening a positive relationship with your toddler.
Why is Your Child Acting Up?
Dr. Ong explains that attention – be it the lack of, or directing it at the wrong places – is the root of all misbehaviour. As bizarre as it sounds, children misbehave because it gets them the attention that they feel they aren’t receiving or receiving enough of. Similarly, as parents, we risk reinforcing unwanted behaviours when we pay attention to them. He advises parents to think of it as a child’s main incentive or ‘currency’. As adults, we go to work to earn our bread. Money is our currency for survival. Likewise, attention is a child’s currency to thrive and be their best.
Mums’ Story
As a mum of three, I’ve experienced this too. It’s always been a challenge with my middle child. The simplest things like getting him to shower or put on his clothes can end up in a huge screaming match. I tried every trick in the book – positive reinforcement, withholding privileges, reasoning out and even yelling. Nothing seemed to work, and we just ended up in a vicious cycle of power struggles. Our relationship was constantly strained. I felt frustrated and went to bed every night already dreading the next day.
Turns out, the root of the problem was attention. My middle child felt that he was always in his older brother’s shadow. To make things worse, he was forced to wean at 2.5 years old, shortly after his baby sister was born, as I simply could not cope with breastfeeding both.
Attention is Key
The solution was simple enough – I had to give my child more of what he wanted. In this case, it was attention. This baffled me as I always made a conscious effort to give my middle child attention, and dedicated time just for him. That’s when I discovered, as Dr. Ong explains, that attention has to be on the child’s own terms, in a way that makes them feel special, important, loved, and valued all at once. This is incredibly important!
Just like Dr. Ong mentions, it’s highly likely that I, and many parents like me, are already carrying out some strategies to build and strengthen a positive relationship with our children. However, Dr. Ong stresses that parents need to be more mindful of these actions and do more of them. This will help to decrease misbehaviour and make everyone feel better! Here are some tips.
- Scheduling Regular Time and Activity to Strengthen a Positive Relationship with Your Child
Also affectionately known as ‘special’ time, for 5-10 minutes, your child gets to engage in any (appropriate) activity with you – and receive your one-on-one undivided attention. Doing it over a fun and meaningful activity that allows them to lead the play, such as building blocks or craftwork, would be great to sow the seeds of cooperation. Dr. Ong cautions parents to avoid choosing activities that are complicated or messy as these may bring out frustration or aggression in their child. Aim to do this five times a week to make it clear to your child that he or she is important to you.
- Show Your Child Positive Attention to Encourage Good Behaviour
During your special time, Dr. Ong recommends engaging in specific ways to improve your relationship with your child and increase your control over what you wish to see from them. Collectively, these skills can be easily remembered as P.R.I.D.E. skills:
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- PRAISE your child for good behaviour, ideas and work. Focus the praise on their behaviour.
e.g. “Great job in playing so quietly.”
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- REFLECT by repeating or paraphrasing what your child says to you to make sure you understand. It also shows that you value their efforts.
e.g. Child: (playing with dinosaur toys) “The dinosaur is chasing the potato head.”
You (repeat): “The dinosaur is chasing the potato head!”
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- IMITATE their actions to show that you are fully engaged in playing with them
- DESCRIBE whatever it is that they are doing
e.g. Child: (making dinosaur run away from potato head toy)
You: The dinosaur is running away from the potato head!
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- ENTHUSIASM – show your excitement when you play with them
Decrease negative interactions by:
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- Not being critical – avoid criticism and sarcastic remarks to your child
- Not giving commands – this can lead to refusal and take the element of fun out of special time
- Avoid asking questions – this can interrupt what your child is doing and focus attention on what you are interested in instead of your child’s interests
- Baby Steps Throughout the Day
In addition to your special time, it’s a great idea to do little things all day long to encourage good behaviour and strengthen a positive relationship with your child. Praise and honour your child’s efforts and approach parenting in an enthusiastic manner. In addition, remember to:
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- Show Some Love!
Warmth, kind words, physical affection, a cup of hot chocolate on a rainy day, whatever spells love to your child!
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- Listen like your life depends on it
Whatever your child is trying to tell you, listen carefully. Also, help them to express their feelings and let them know that you understand some emotions can be upsetting. It’s normal!
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- Avoid criticism
Criticism can be destructive to your child’s self-esteem and happiness. This elevates their frustration. This in turn leads to misbehaviour. Instead of criticising, tell your child the right thing to do without pointing out the mistake. “The books go on this shelf” works a lot better than, “You put the books on the wrong shelf.”
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- Fun for the Win!
Make time for play with games or activities that they enjoy. Better yet, get them to join you in chores or activities that they do and introduce the element of fun in it.
Parents, we know that every family has its fair share of ups and downs. While that’s perfectly normal, your home environment should not become one that is tense and unhappy. Your relationship with your child is the outcome of consistent and sustained efforts. Do pause to reflect on your parenting as you go along and always remember that the best way to prevent misbehaviour is by building a positive relationship with your child! A happy parent raises a happy child!