Jess Quek’s ‘My Secret Baby’, made me realise that nobody is spared from the dark, cursed realm of secrets. I am a happily married man and a father of a beautiful five-year-old girl. My wife is one of the most caring people I’ve known but my boyfriend loves me in a way that I’ve never known possible. That’s right - I am a husband and secretly homosexual. My boyfriend has been with me for almost three years now.
Which lie am I living? I am a gay man. Am I afraid to come out? When you’re born into an upper middle class Chinese family in the 60s and everybody rejoices over your birth because you’re the first heir after a drought of males for 30 years, there’s no way breaking a silence over this is a consideration for even a split second.
My mother, bless her soul, would never recover from such a shock and the frail woman is already 83. My father (may he rest in peace) would have probably hung himself in shame at being unable to comprehend how he raised his son to be gay.
Being Secretly Homosexual: It isn't a Choice
But homosexuality is not a choice. If it were, I would never choose it. I have a wife who attends to my every need, a daughter who thinks her father is Superman, relatives who look up to me and seek my advice over family squabbles or financial issues. If I were to ever reveal the truth, everything would come crashing down.
That’s not to say, I’m not proud of my partner, *Michael, but what is more pressing is - forever losing custody of my little girl.
How It All Started
I have had casual flings with men overseas before I met Michael. We met on the flight back from Frankfurt. He was attending on that flight and as I stood near the lavatories to stretch my muscles, a conversation blossomed.
We started casually chatting about men’s wear and how fashion seems to stop dead in the tracks for men’s apparels in most cities. Perhaps that was the first clue to both of us about each other. How many guys do you know talk about fashion when they’ve just met someone?
Anyway, neither of us said a word about anything related to homosexuality. We did however, exchange numbers, in the name of building networks.
What started innocently as forwarding emails about clothing store discounts grew into meet-ups for further chats about fashion and labels. One day, I let it slip, perhaps not too innocently that I found men interesting. Michael was smart enough to pick up my underlying intention and invited me home. What began three years ago as being secretly homosexual has continued to the present.
Michael flies an average of three flights a week. I don’t see him as much as I would like to. He has no objections to me being married and having a relationship at the same time. We have managed to work things out in a way that shows that as much as we care about each other, family responsibilities also are important.
Michael’s family does not know he is a homosexual either. However, as he stays alone in an apartment near the airport, it’s easier for us to meet without anyone else being the wiser.
Dual Realities
Reading your comments from ‘My Secret Baby’ as you thrashed Jess for her choice of life, I’m sure you’ll do the same to me. But before you judge, remember, it is easy to live happily with your family. Not everybody is lucky that way. We don’t do things to make ourselves unhappy.
However, sometimes circumstances are brick walls that we have built ourselves in order for everyone else around us to be happy while we make sacrifices, or in my case, live a life of secrets.
Are you wondering if I will continue living this lie of being secretly homosexual? Well, I won’t. Perhaps one day, when my little girl has grown up to be 18 and can make choices and acceptances for herself, I will tell her and my dear wife the truth. It’s horrible to do this to my wife as well, but it’s either the lie or never seeing my daughter again.
Editor's Note : Names have been changed to protect the identity of the writer.