A stranger with a strong opinion on the subject of feeding babies decided to put in her unwanted two cents on Peiwen’s parenting. Last Tuesday, as Peiwen was grocery shopping in the afternoon at the NTUC near her home in Marine Parade, she was publicly shamed by a woman in her late forties. Shocked, hurt and wanting to spread awareness of formula-feeding, she shares her story with us.
Here is how it goes...
My 3-month-old baby girl was with me and my maid as we walked down the formula milk aisle of NTUC. It was a lovely day we were spending together and I had a lot on my grocery list to pick up. My daughter drinks Nestle Nan powder milk so we were stocking up on the tins when I heard someone go ‘tsk tsk’.
I turned around and there stood a lady who looked like she was about to say something to me. She was with a friend and they were whispering something to each other. Thinking nothing of it, I carried on with my task of placing down the tins of baby milk in my trolley.
About three minutes later, the lady came right in front of me and with a very condescending tone remarked,”So you must be very busy working that you cannot breastfeed your daughter.”
What?! I was startled and deeply hurt by her comment. How dare she jump to a conclusion about my parenting? I was ready for a fight (I don’t like people judging my choices) but I held myself back.
“Hello Miss. I am actually a stay-at-home mum. Is there something that’s bothering you with me buying milk to feed my child?” I answered her back in the most polite way I could.
“Your baby is so small, you should be giving her breastmilk not be lazy and just pour milk powder out of a can. Nowadays you mothers don’t care about the health of your children,” she said this, then stormed off.
Ok now I was furious, and was ready to answer her back but she left in a huff. My maid was as shocked as I was, and she even came close to tears, because she knows what I‘ve been going through.
This is what I know that the stranger who acted all high-and-mighty didn’t. My baby was screaming after she ate from my breast. The past two months I’ve pumped and tried slow flow bottles of my breast milk.
My friends advised me to try different positions, and I’ve seen lactation consultants. She doesn’t know that my baby screams for hours straight. She doesn’t know that I’ve fixed my diet to make my milk more digestible for her. I am still pumping my milk and storing it in my freezer- will she ever be able to eat it? I doubt so.
And I do it all because "breast is best."
This stranger didn’t see the desperation in my eyes, and how much being able to nurse my baby meant to me.
Ever since I switched to feeding my daughter formula milk, her cries lessened, she started sleeping well, she started smiling. Of course I cried nights for my body failing her. But what matters is that my baby is being fed. And that she is finally comfortable, happy and growing.
Sometimes what we plan for and what we want just doesn't work out (that is parenthood after all, isn’t it?) but we are all here trying to do what's best for our babies. And I wish she understood that. I fear that our society is so myopic to think that every mum who chooses to formula-feed is ‘lazy’ or ‘is too busy with work to care for her kid’.
We need to look women in the eyes and tell them that they are good mothers. Not publicly shame them the way she did to me. I went home and cried myself to sleep that night. Why couldn’t my breastfeeding work for my child? Do I now have to hide and grab milk powder when I shop for my baby’s food? Am I a failed mother?
I hated myself that night for questioning myself. This wasn’t me. I was a confident woman and mother. I would do anything for my child. It’s sad that society sees us formula-feeding mothers this way.
We should listen to how much nursing means to these mothers. Show women that if used correctly formula can be a bridge to breastfeeding. Nursing isn’t black and white; all or nothing. No two mother-baby pairs have ever been the same. All I can do is pray and hope that someday, just someday, someone will come up to me and praise me for feeding my child the best way I am able to.
(Story as told to Pavin Chopra)
Shaming women into breastfeeding doesn’t work and is never alright. They’ve had “breast is best” messages shoved down their throats more times than a bulky prenatal. Every new mother just like Peiwen has her own story, and should never be judged by anyone. These mothers are trying, and shame on us for not holding her hand and helping her to succeed.
Do you have a story to share about formula-feeding your baby and how proud you are of it? Share it with us- we would love to hear from you!