I can now breathe easily. Most of my fears about the family reunion did not come true, much to my relief. My parents and my in-laws weren’t at each other’s throats. In fact, each party actually bent over backwards to accommodate the other. The awkward part was that everyone was so polite and nice to each other that it seemed almost unnatural to me. However, I am still uncertain about my parents’ and in-laws’ real thoughts and feelings about each other as I wasn’t privy to their respective late night conversations whispered inaudibly.
For most of us, festive holidays such as the Chinese New Year are times when families get together, reminisce about the good old days and talk about the relatives we either adore or detest. It is a time which we either really love or become really stressed about. For my mother, it’s both. Her labour of love for her brothers and sisters (she has 7 siblings scattered all over Malaysia) who come to visit her is to cook lavish meals for them and bake tins of homemade cookies of every variety. She does this with great joy and love because she is like their mother given that she is the second from eldest in the family and has looked after them from their young age. However, this is also a stressful time for her because there is so much food to prepare and she always wants to do things her way, single-handedly. She always does her best to cater to each sibling’s requests and often ends up being stretched too thin.
I love my mother dearly but I wish she could let go of her traditional obligations and just take a break. More often than not, when her siblings arrive, she is exhausted. Hence, she is not able to fully enjoy their company and spends too much time doing all she can to be the perfect hostess. From what I see, none of them demand this of her and all they want is to see her and spend time with her. If only she could see that and break free from the expectations she has piled onto herself!
Aside from worrying about her overworking herself, I couldn’t help but notice the changes that were taking place around me. I admire both my father and father-in-law for taking positive steps to communicate amiably with each other and to try to understand where the other is coming from, difficult as it is. It was a very touching moment for all of us when both men hugged in the kitchen after exchanging tokens of appreciation for each other. Mind you, my father has only hugged me once in my entire life and that was on my wedding day! He is definitely not one who freely shows his emotions.
A sobering moment for me was to see how my paternal grandmother’s health has deteriorated over the past 1 year. Looking after her by themselves has taken its toil on my parents. She is only lucid at certain times and needs help with daily activities such as bathing, changing her clothes and eating. My in-laws made a great effort to help out during their stay. My mother-in-law would spend time feeding her, which allowed my mother to have more time to tend to her chores and also rest. My father-in-law would patiently talk to my grandmother whenever he could, trying his best to engage her in normal conversation.
This trip back home for the Chinese New Year holidays was different from my other trips in the past. This holiday allowed me to reflect deeply and sincerely about what matters most in my life. I realized that there are a lot of times I take for granted that the people I care about will always be healthy and fine. I put off trips home to see my parents and grandmother on the excuse that I can’t get away from work. I put off carving out quality time with my husband, thinking that there will be a “slow period” in our lives and we can catch up with each other then. I often tell my son to play by himself because Mummy has to work tonight. I put off calling or visiting my friends simply because it takes a lot of effort and I tell myself they are all probably too busy anyway. I believe my excuses are legitimate but do I really need to use them so often? What if my grandmother isn’t around to celebrate next year’s Chinese New Year? What if the “slow period” never comes for my husband and me? What would happen when one day, my son grows up into a young man and says to me, “Mummy, I can’t spend time with you because I have to work this week”?
We who live in Singapore, or any other big city, are often stretched for time, given our busy schedules and commitment-filled calendars. However, at the end of the day, it’s not the companies we work for or the businesses we run that will look after us in our old age. It’s our family and our loved ones whom we can count on to be there for us when we can no longer care for ourselves. It is a challenge for all of us to take out the time to nurture the relationships that matter in our lives. Let all of us take up this challenge and start the year of the Rabbit with a fresh outlook on relationships with the hope that our lives will be further enriched!