Mothers who suffer from postpartum depression (PPD) know that it can make you think of the worst scenarios. Read this mum’s account on how she almost became the biggest threat to her baby’s life.
In this article, you’ll read:
- Mum confession on PPD: “Scary thoughts would fill my head.”
- What contributed to her depression?
- How she was able to overcome the intrusive thoughts
This is my postpartum depression story.
After getting married, my husband and I relocated to his hometown where I had to learn how to live with my in-laws and be away from my own family.
Apart from the adjustment with the living setup, I also had a lot of frustration when we had trouble conceiving for the first few months of our marriage. It was coupled with fights and disagreements as a newlywed couple.
I knew arguments are really part of married life, but some of my husband’s habits drove me insane. Especially his drinking. Sometimes he would leave the house without telling me where he’s going and what time he will be coming back. Because of that, I felt more out of place in his family’s house.
After six months of trying, I got pregnant. However, you should know that while I was pregnant, I may already have undiagnosed depression. But this could be related to change in hormones, the stress I was feeling at home, and the fact that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).
Postpartum depression story
Postpartum depression story. | Image from Shutterstock
I felt a wave of emotions because of PCOS and all throughout my pregnancy, but it was intensified after I gave birth.
There were times when I would be so mad at my husband for the little things. For instance, I would call him out for his sleeping position beside our newborn. I would cry for the shallowest reasons and sometimes, for no reason at all.
The worst part about postpartum depression is the anxiety that comes with it. I was so paranoid that someone was out to get me or my baby. I would panic when the doors and windows weren’t shut.
Postpartum depression story: “Scary thoughts would fill my head.”
For my peace of my, doors and windows should always be closed. Whenever my husband would leave the house, he needs to assure me that he would come home right away, because I was so anxious that someone is watching us, ready to rob or attack us when it’s just me and baby in the house.
But the scariest part would have to be this: I once pictured stuffing a pillow on my baby’s face when he was just 2 or 3 months old.
Postpartum depression story. | Larawan mula sa Shutterstock
Until now, I don’t know what came over me to think about doing such a heinous thing. I got so mad at myself for letting my depression reach that point where I was almost a threat to my own child’s safety.
To help me fight those thoughts, I decided to stay away from stressful things. I unfollowed social media pages that showed negative content like crime and abuse.
I thank God that I was able to overcome those intrusive thoughts. I would never dream of hurting my child as I am very protective of him. So, with prayer and maintaining a positive attitude, I was able to conquer that part of my life without harming my little one.
I’m not ashamed to share my postpartum depression story to others as I know that what I’ve been through and how I conquered it can be a lesson to them.
I know that we all have different thoughts and concerns as parents, but we’re all strong mums. Our love for our children and need to protect them will always prevail over anything else.
So if you’re experiencing postpartum depression or any kind of depression, know that you will also get through it. Just stay strong and keep your faith, as nothing is impossible with the Lord.
Translated with permission from theAsianparent Philippines.