After struggling for three years to conceive my firstborn, little did I know that there was such a thing as second infertility and I continued to face many heartbreaks when my husband and I started trying for another baby.
After another 2½ years of struggling to conceive, I finally got pregnant again but soon after suffered from an early miscarriage and was completely in shock for the next few weeks.
I cried until I had no more tears left, while trying to come to terms with why my body had betrayed me with this pregnancy loss.
About 1½ years later, I finally conceived once again and was completely over the moon as I excitedly announced my good news to everyone.
However my happiness was short-lived because before the end of my first trimester, ultrasound scans revealed some complications and the future of my pregnancy looked very bleak.
I had an extremely rare condition known as a cornual ectopic pregnancy, and the doctors advised me to schedule for a surgery to terminate the pregnancy and extract everything before there were any life-threatening complications.
But my body decided to naturally end the pregnancy first and I suffered my second miscarriage, so was rushed to the emergency room where during an internal scan it was discovered there was still something inside my uterus.
As if things couldn’t get any worse, I found out that I had actually been carrying twins and then a few days later, my second little one came out.
I couldn’t make sense of why this was happening to me. How could something this terrible strike me so many times? Why was my luck so bad? Why was God punishing me?
I was all out of tears and felt a pain in my heart for the following days as I kept asking why life was so unfair?
I wondered why there are some people in the world who are blessed with so many children and can easily fall pregnant without any complications and how they could even have the heart to cause great harm or even kill their own flesh and blood?
“It’s so unfair”, I would say — there are other couples out there who would do anything to have a blessing of their own, yet here are these ungrateful parents who don’t seem to appreciate what they have.
I was angry at the world, angry at my situation and just angry at life in general because I felt it was really unfair.
My heart felt as empty as my womb.
It finally dawned on me one day when I was tired of feeling angry and exhausted from keeping all this sadness in my heart — I might have felt that life was unfair, but God is fair.
I did a lot of reflection, counted my blessings and realised that I probably have so many other things in my life that I may not recognise to be someone else’s ultimate dream or blessing in their lives, such as:
a) A home to call my own without having to share it with strangers or wondering when the lease on the rent will be up
b) The opportunity to be a Work At Home Mum (WAHM) so I can earn some income from the comforts of my own home and also still be able to take care of my child and spend quality time with her whenever I please
c) A loving husband who I have been married to for 11 years this year, who takes care of me, provides for me, and supports everything I do and every dream I ever had
It’s not that I don’t appreciate all that, and it’s not like it all just happened without any effort or hard work on my part (and of course, all thanks to God), because it did happen for me and I do recognise that these are all blessings in my life — but to me, the ultimate blessing of all is to have children.
But that’s just me.
Maybe these other people who easily pop out babies feel all that I have is what they are missing in their lives and they long, wish, dream, hope and pray to be blessed with such things too?
Maybe that pregnant woman who I have been feeling so envious of who already has a child and a second one on the way, is actually feeling very overwhelmed by this addition to her family because she wasn’t ready for another baby yet and now she and her partner have to work doubly hard to support everyone?
Perhaps she is envious of me for being able to spend so much quality time with my child while still earning a bit of income and sees my situation as a blessing that she yearns for herself?
So I shall stop asking why life is so unfair, because it is not. Life is very fair.
God is fair.
I just need to learn to be grateful for everything that I have been blessed with and understand that there needs to be a certain balance to everything.
No one can really have it all.
If you think someone has it all, they probably don’t, and chances are that they may be secretly hoping and praying for whatever they feel would be a blessing in their lives.
It has been barely a few months since my pregnancy loss and not a day goes by where I don’t think of the babies I have lost.
I could be on the bus and a thought enters my mind which makes me just start crying, or watching a show on tv and feel a sudden surge of emotions that overwhelms me — but I know I have to be strong, move on and focus on everything else I have already been blessed with.
My pregnancies may be over but my life isn’t.