Moms and dads are no strangers to the many ups and downs that can come with marriage. It’s far from all bad when you’re married, but from time to time you’ll come across some speed bumps that can cause some bumps and bruises along the road of marriage.
You’re probably aware of the bigger problems that couples face: infidelity, financial problems, troubles communicating–just to name a few.
But are there problems that are present in your marriage that is getting overlooked? Maybe!
In a recent article published by The Huffington Post, a handful of marriage therapists dished on 7 of the most commonly ignored marital problems that may be present in your marriage.
Learn what they are, why you should address them, and how to resolve these corrosive conflicts!
1. Being overdependent on each other
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There’s nothing wrong in having trust, faith, and a shoulder to lean on in your significant other. However, partners who have grandiose expectations of a husband/wife who fulfils their every need are often left holding the bag.
“You can’t expect one woman or man to be your sounding board, your bestie, your lover, your personal accountant, and everything in between,” says psychologist Kristin Zeising.
“For couples who do everything together, concentrate on spending time with friends separately, create separate hobbies and interests,” she adds. Become a more well-rounded, less dependent person individual makes your relationship more fulfilling.”
2. They don’t understand what housework really represents
Marriage therapist and author Susan Pease Gadoua believes that housework means more than just keeping a tidy house. Especially in a modern culture in which both men and women both balance career and family.
“For decades, women have been in charge of domestic responsibilities because the tasks were considered too ‘lowly’ for men,” she said. “Unfortunately, most of the housework still falls on modern women but men have stepped up and they are doing far more around the house these days.”
She suggests that couples should try to implement a “we’re in this together” mentality. And for good reason! A recent study found that couples who share housework report having better and more frequent sex.
3. Underestimating the importance of personal space
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It may sound a little strange, but sometimes married couples are better off spending a little time away from each other.
There’s nothing wrong with a little “me time” in a relationship, said Liz Higgins, a Dallas, Texas-based couples therapist who works primarily with millennials.
“People often ‘lose themselves’ in their relationship and forget to harness their independence,” she said. “When you’re in love, you just can’t give up on your hobbies or disengage from self-care activities; these things are actually incredibly important to maintaining your relationship.”
If you want to keep your marriage strong, you have to develop a sense of self and individuality in addition to forming your eternal bond. “It’s about thriving together yet also separately,” Higgins added.
4. They don’t love themselves enough
You know the saying: “You can’t love someone until you can love yourself.” Cliche as it may be, there’s logic to that saying.
Going into a relationship with a low opinion of yourself “trickles down negatively to almost every aspect of marriage,” said Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist in Little Rock, Arkansas, USA.
“I’ve seen it lead to so much dysfunctional behaviour, from adultery and addiction to being dependent, or a boundary-less control freak,” she says. “A person who is shame-filled cannot have a healthy relationship with another person. I really do believe that shame is the number-one cause of divorce.”
“A more solid, healthy relationship starts with bringing your best, most positive self to the table. Work to maintain that, find a mate who is dedicated to doing the same and you have a fighting chance at having a healthy relationship,” she added.
5. Being too vengeful during fights, not apologizing later
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It can be easy to let loose and say some hurtful things in the heat of a passionate fight. Those low blows and vindictive words add up, though. Furthermore, we sometimes overlook the importance of apologizing for these momentary lapses in judgment.
“We’re all human and have a dark side but if you don’t acknowledge it and own up to it, you can’t learn to control it and are more likely to keep acting it out,” says Zeising. “When you can own these feelings, you can approach relationship issues from a place of integrity.”
6. Assuming to know everything about your spouse
A little mystery in a marriage doesn’t just keep things interesting–it helps keep a marriage afloat! “When you think you have your spouse all figured out, you deny yourself the chance to discover new, loveable qualities about them,” Higgins claims.
“When couples have been together for a long time, they often lose sight of the fact that their partner is still an entire world of their own thoughts, feelings and experiences,” she said. “Desire and excitement thrive in the unknown; continuing to explore the otherness of your partner will actually deepen your connection.”
7. Being closed off to their partner’s feelings
There’s little room for growth in a relationship when one partner overreacts and doesn’t want to hear feedback from the other, Zeising said.
“Instead of blaming the messenger or avoiding expressing your true feelings, it’s important to soothe your own anxieties,” she said. “You can’t guarantee that your partner won’t have challenging things to say to you but you can decide how you want to handle that information.”
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