Do you believe that there is one spouse out there meant just for you somewhere in the universe and if you keep looking, you’ll eventually find this person who will bring you happiness for a lifetime? At the same time, do you believe this person must be found at all costs even if means leaving your current spouse who no longer seems right for you?
These beliefs are clearly held by the world record holder of 26 marriages – Glynn DeMoss Wolfe. He once said. “Marriage is like stamp collecting. You keep looking to find that rare one.”
Many liken the searching for a spouse to the searching for a needle in a haystack. This view entails the notion that only one person in the world can make you truly happy. Ironically, significant emotional pain will be experienced with such a perspective on marriage.
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The truth is – Marriage is not so much about finding the right spouse. It’s about being the right person. Understandably, this might be a hard truth to swallow especially if you are feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled in a marriage.
However, here are some helpful ways to rethink what marriage is all about if you have begun to wonder whether you married the right person or not.
Marriage is not about finding the right person who will bring you the joy that you lack.
If you enter into marriage expecting your spouse to fill a void in your life or to be the one to give you the happiness you might feel you are entitled to, you will be sorely disappointed. Coming into a marriage whole is essential in building a healthy relationship. It is not about finding a spouse who you think will complete you – It is about learning contentment as an individual and being open to seeing how you can contribute to the overall marital bliss that you both can enjoy as a couple.
Marriage is about being other-centred.
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Being married is not so much about what our spouse can do for us but what we can bring into the marriage. In any conflict, it always helps to see how we have contributed to it. It is so important to resist the urge to be defensive but instead work at being more self-aware to see how we could have done things differently to avoid contributing to the conflict. Marriage is not akin to being in a boxing ring where two people slug it out to have their views heard. It’s about envisioning yourselves as a team – working together to build that strong and healthy marriage you’ve always longed for yourselves.
Marriage is all about making choices and not just relying on feelings.
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It is dangerous to rely on feelings alone. Sometimes, we just don’t feel like being loving towards our spouse or feel like forgiving the wrongs that they have committed against us. However, if we choose to look at our spouse through different lenses and instead opt to see how we can play a part in changing things in the relationship for the better, you might be amazed at the wonders it can do for your marriage.
If we expect the person we marry to bring us happiness and contentment without bearing in mind what our role is in being the right person for marriage, then it will be an extremely daunting task to cultivate that healthy, loving and long-lasting marriage you’ve always craved for. So start working on being the right person first and witness the beauty it can bring into your marriage.
What attracted you to your spouse in the first place? What made you think he/she was “the one”? Share with us by leaving a comment below!
Focus on the Family Singapore is a local charity dedicated to helping married couples and their families thrive through differentiated programs, trusted resources and counselling services. Find out more at https://www.family.org.sg/marriedcouples.