But when those disagreements become heated and concession is not on the table, it’s safe to say the disagreement has become an argument. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Why do couples fight
Wow! Talk about a loaded question! The easier one to answer might be ‘what don’t couples argue about’. Even before the world economy found itself in the shape it’s in, money was and still is the number one source of arguments in a marriage.
Arguments about money can be kept at the ‘discussion or disagreement level’ by doing a number of things. But the number 1 thing is HONESTY. Always be upfront and honest about your finances.
This means:
- No tearing tags off and saying, “I’ve had this for a year or more.”
- No hiding purchases and sneaking them into the scheme of things
- No telling the kids to “don’t tell Daddy”.
- No having a secret stash of cash
- Work together to make your family’s budget and stick with it
- Make room in your budget for a little bit of splurge for each of you-even if it’s $25 a month a piece
- Don’t live above your means-live on a cash-only budget
Children
One of the biggest problems parents have in arguing about children is arguing in front of the kids. Bad parent!
Instead of arguing in front of the kids or even about the kids, work together to create a family contract. A family contract outlines the expectations and guidelines in a home; who does what, expected behaviors, consequences for misbehavior and so forth.
A family contract presents the united front and secure surroundings children need and crave. The contract will need to be updated and changed as your children grow, but by starting when they are young, a family contract can save everyone a lot of heartache and confusion later on.
Sex
Being too tired, not willing to take it up a notch, going too fast, being selfish…all are common arguments in regards to a couple’s sex life. Most of these arguments stem from lack of sleep and frustration that things aren’t as they used to be.
They also stem from a lack of self-esteem. Carrying around extra baby weight or not feeling like you live in an adult world anymore (if you are a stay-at-home mom) often brings your own insecurities to the surface in the form of arguing.
Instead of arguing, be honest with yourself and your spouse about what you need, how you feel about yourself.
You should also consider making set times for sex if things have gotten too off-course. But don’t just make it a quickie. Plan it…lead up to it with flirting, sexy lingerie and candles and music. It’s okay if sex isn’t as spontaneous as it used to be. Is anything else? I didn’t think so.
Work
It’s all too tempting in this day and age to become so engrossed in your job that it becomes an obsession. You want to make sure you aren’t considered expendable. But you don’t want to become expendable to your family, either. The solution to this one is easy. Give your job the 9-5 or 7-3 or 8-4 or whatever and then leave it there.
No homework, no work phone calls and commit to sharing your work day briefly with your spouse and family then letting it go. The exceptions to this include teachers who may need time to grade papers and physicians who have emergency calls. You may also have need to discuss career changes, advancements and relocations. Just remember the key word is discuss…not argue. If you disagree about work situations or you feel that your spouse is spending more time on the job (physically or mentally) than he is with you, share your concerns and come to an agreement you are both happy with.
Things you should never do
There is no such thing as ‘fighting fair’. Whenever fighting or arguing takes place, someone loses. But we’re human so it is unreasonable to expect a couple to never argue.
That’s why when you do, it’s important to remember to…
- Never argue in front of your children or where your children can hear you
- Never raise your voices in anger
- Never call names
- Never bring up past arguments
- Don’t part company without coming to an understanding. You may need to go to opposite ends of the house for a while, but don’t EVER take the chance that angry words are the last words spoken