As parents, we often neglect the importance of giving our children the attention that they need because we are so focused on earning enough money to provide for their basic needs like food, shelter, and clothing. Though these basic needs are important, that does not mean giving them love and attention isn't.
The lack of affection in childhood can lead to effects that you might end up even wondering or complaining about. When they get older, you'll wonder about things like: why does my kid hide things from me? Why do they have such low self-esteem? Why do they always end up with horrible partners?
Because you worked so hard to provide for their basic needs, it's going to be hard to see that neglecting to give them attention could be a probable reason why they act that way.
So, let's learn more about that, shall we? What are the signs of an emotionally neglected child? What are the effects of lack of affection in childhood?
1. Struggles in Identifying and Handling Emotions
What it means:
If you don't show affection much to your children, it's likely they don't even know what affection is. Now, because they are not taught what emotions are, when they feel such emotions, they do not know what to do, and more importantly the right thing to do.
So, what is the effect of not knowing these emotions? Children are unable to identify their own weaknesses and strengths. And in the long run, they will be able to resolve conflicts better.
Knowing how to handle emotions also teaches kids coping strategies when they feel big emotions like sadness or anger. So, instead of hitting a wall or throwing your husband's golf club in the air, they learn to recognise their emotions and how to better handle them. So, you see the better they are at handling their emotions, the lesser the drama.
Learning about different emotions also teaches kids empathy. When they recognise getting mad when a toy is taken from them, they know not to do the same thing to another child. Again, the better they are at recognising emotions, the lesser the drama.
How to deal:
So, how do we teach our kids how to identify their emotions and handle them better?
- First introduce the different emotions one has (you can keep adding more emotions to the list as your child gets older).
- When they feel a certain type of emotion in a particular situation, make them identify that emotion.
- Let them talk about their emotions. Teach them to express themselves through talking instead of lashing out.
- Teach them coping strategies. When children don't know what to do with their feelings, they often result to lashing out, scream, throwing things - none of which resolves the conflict that caused such emotions. So, with coping strategies, children learn that harming or screaming does nothing about their feelings. For instance, when they're angry, you can subject them to a time-0ut, where they have plenty of time to reflect about their feelings.
Also Read: Fun ways to teach emotions to kids
2. Struggles Academically and Socially
What it means:
Yes, academically and socially. So, your teen is struggling in school and finding friends not because of the chemical make-up of their brain or because they didn't inherit your charm gene. They could be struggling because you never paid attention to them. If not never, rarely. That lack of love and affection in their childhood can affect even their adult lives.
So, for instance, when they make accomplishments in school and you turn a blind eye, they are unable to identify whether their accomplishments are considered a success.
Because you neglect to teach them about boundaries, they might treat other people inappropriately. Or, it could be the other way around - they are not aware that people are already mistreating them because they don't know how to set boundaries.
How to deal:
So, how do we mitigate that? By showing affection to our kids, how do we help them excel academically and form healthy relationships with peers and eventually partners?
First, let's discuss how you can support them in school. Whenever they get a good grade, applaud them. Recognise their achievements. If they struggle, support them. Be more focused on solutions rather than pinpointing who to blame. Your role is to support. You are not your child's reason for succeeding in school. Remind them that their success benefits only them. Not you.
As for relationships, teach them boundaries. Now, this can be a little tricky because many parents ignore their children's boundaries as well just because they are the parents.
You have to be consistent. When you tell your kids that they shouldn't interrupt anyone talking, you shouldn't interrupt them when they're talking too. You are their model. And, they'd be better at setting boundaries if they consistently see you setting your boundaries as well.
3. Struggles with Self-Esteem
What it means:
When they don't hear how great they are from you, chances are they wouldn't think that they are great. This self-esteem issue can carry itself to adulthood, so much so that they'll be so harsh on themselves and not give themselves due credit for their hard work.
So that "Good job!" matters, parents. So we advise you to build up your children's self-esteem early on to avoid such issues from getting worse.
But, first, how do you recognise if your child has self-esteem issues? Here are some signs to watch out for:
- Avoiding doing a new task
- Giving up when they fail something the first time
- Cheating or lying when they find that they are going to do poorly on a task or a game
- Being self-critical and saying things like: "I never get it right" or "they're smarter than me."
- Struggling to receive compliments
- Helping too much or not helping enough
If you see your child acting in this way, then it's time to step up and build up their self-esteem. How do we do that?
How to deal:
First, learn the difference between teaching them to respect you vs. teaching them to fear you. So, when they refuse to do a certain task, result in cheating, or say self-critical things, you shouldn't jump to reprimanding them for acting that way. Instead, recognise these acts as signs of a child who lacked affection in their childhood. They are feeling unloved as a child.
So, instead of raising your voice, ask them what's going on. Tell them their strengths. Encourage them to try. Praise them for trying. Tell them how proud you are of them. Again, your role is to support. You are not someone they should impress.
Also Read: 7 Hurtful Things You Should Never Say to Your Teen
4. Struggles to Trust in Relationships
What it means:
That lack of affection in your kid's childhood is a chain of reactions. You don't say I love you enough, your child feels they are undeserving of love, they feel hurt by you, and then assume everyone else will hurt them. It sucks, but it often happens. You need to be able to teach your children when to trust and when not to trust people, otherwise, they end up not trusting everybody.
How to deal:
So, how do we teach our children to trust? The key is honesty and integrity. There should be a parallel between what you say and what you do. So, when you tell them that you're going to bring them to Disneyland on their birthday (given nothing urgent suddenly comes up on the day of), you should make sure to bring them to Disneyland.
When you tell them that you have no favourites among your children, that has to be apparent in the way you deal with them. Model a person of integrity and honesty and your child learns to trust and becomes a person of integrity and honesty as well.
Also make sure to praise them when they become honest with you. It's not enough that you tell them to avoid being dishonest. You need to make them feel what being honest is.
Also Read: Children And Lying: Teaching Kids About Honesty
That caps off our list. Hopefully, this gives you a better perspective on the importance of giving your children affection. Yes, it's a challenge with a million other things in your mind, but just think how much healthier and more at peace your child will be if you've given them enough love.
YouAreMom, VeryWellFamily, healthychildren.org, Today
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