Do you believe that the kiss and makeup strategy works for all relationships? Some claim it simply tests if your and your loved one’s bond is strong. However, others believe that this old relationship strategy doesn’t work for couples in modern society.
If you and your partner are in another row of arguments, and your instant thought is — is this relationship still worth saving? If so, how do we manage through years and years of continuous arguments? Some relationship experts might encourage you to simply kiss and make up.
The Kiss and Makeup Strategy Can Balance Your Relationship
Yes, the debate about how true it is that the kiss and makeup strategy saves relationships has finally been put to rest. More experts weighed in favour of its effectiveness.
It’s going to be a hard adjustment if we are to follow these experts’ advice because anger is an emotion that one cannot simply let go of. Usually, after a heated argument, it’s so easy to let it spiral into bigger fights. But the cost of doing so is so damaging that we end up just asking if separation would be a better option.
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Fortunately, there’s no need for that. The kiss and makeup strategy can help save our relationships. We’re going to have to suck it up (no pun intended) and give it a try. It’s literally doctor-recommended.
Of course, we won’t stop at just simply telling you to try it. You’d need to understand first why it works. Let’s begin by discussing what determines the stability of a relationship.
The claim that the kiss and makeup strategy is based on Baylor University’s Amber Cazzell’s study. She looked more closely into the “basic dimensions of adaptive interpersonal processes.”
It is her view that a healthy relationship is not with how seldom a couple of fights but with how heated arguments and positive interactions actually move the couple forward in their relationship.
In other words, if a couple frequently disagrees with one another but ends up making positive changes through such struggles, that relationship is more successful than a silent one.
We can use several words to describe the different behaviours that couples have towards each other. But, if we look closely, we can narrow down those behaviours to two main ones.
The first is the “positive and helpful” also fondly known as Positively Perceived Exchanges or PPEs. The second is the “negative and damaging” or Negatively Perceived Exchanges a.k.a. NPEs.
You can deduce from the names themselves that any action that causes a positive exchange such as being supportive, showing intimacy, and exuding warmth are all PPEs.
While NPEs are, of course, the opposite such as withdrawing from an argument, being reluctant to help, struggling to listen, or criticizing continuously.
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Cazzell found that these two components of a working relationship are “not one low to high continuum.” So, for instance, you might think that if you and your partner are low on PPEs, you’re going to score high on NPEs. That’s not necessarily the case all the time.
It’s possible to be low in both components. You might also score high in both components. Meanwhile, in some cases, you can score high on one component and low on another or vice versa.
Note that the keyword in each component is perception. That means perception highly differs between two people in a relationship. Say you’re planning a staycation with your significant other because he has been inviting you to go on one for days.
To you, that may be a positive exchange. To your partner, however, they might perceive it as a negative exchange because he feels you only act on his wishes when he tells you about them.
So, since each partner differs even in the way they perceive a certain act, it’s much easier to tell how different the two people in a relationship are. It’s much easier to tell as well how the change in one’s perception about certain situations can greatly affect the outcome of a relationship.
Say you and your husband get into a squabble during breakfast; He has an interview in the afternoon. Instead of putting up the cold shoulder like you always do, change the mood and motivate him before his interview.
Do that, and see how the vibe of your relationship changes. So, as you can see, doing some checks and balances on your PPEs and NPEs can do wonders.
For one, if you and your partner fight all the time, it doesn’t mean your relationship is not worth saving. It’s fine if you argue and disagree on some things like when you’re going out for groceries.
As long as you offer help upon getting to the grocery shop, your relationship is going to grow. These simple things and moments help strengthen your relationship with your spouse or partner.