Children may feel distressed and lost when faced with the reality of their parents' divorce. Here are ways to help equip your children with the tools needed to better cope with the impact of divorce.
As an integral part of the family, your children are also likely to experience the same emotions of anger, loss and grief that come with a divorce, regardless of their age. They can feel the impact, whether they’re still an innocent toddler or a self-conscious teenager.
Caught In the Crossfire: Real Account From a Child of Divorce
“Studies have shown that a divorce riddled with conflict can traumatise children and lead to lifelong struggles. In the following account, Ms Tan shares how she continues to deal with the effects of her parents' divorce.”
My father was physically and mentally violent to our mother for about a year. Our mother would get us, 3 girls, then 15, 14 and 8, to watch the violence to "help her take revenge".
There was one instance where we were asked to "raise our hands" as to which parent we wanted to follow.
Having watched our mother get beaten up for the past year, we chose our mother. To this day, our father would call us stupid for making that choice.
The following year was a whirl of moving residences while our mother constantly reminded us that we were burdens. She ordered us to make ourselves useful by reporting our father’s new purchases – which we knew from our access time with him – to her.
Maintenance was still meagre, with Mum insisting that Dad pay for our expenses. She also demanded that we ask Dad for money. Whenever we asked for money, we were insulted by our parents for being useless burdens.
Life only settled down when all contact with both parents ceased and I was living peacefully with my grandmother. While I have long forgiven my parents, I will not contact them as they will damage me.
How a Divorce Affects the Children
Divorce isn't just between the grown-ups; it affects the whole family, especially the children. It is often easy to neglect your children's feelings while dealing with your own emotions, and this may cause your children to feel caught in between.
“Divorce presents profound emotional challenges for children, often bringing up a wide range of emotions including confusion, sadness, anger, and anxiety,” said Ms Law Ya Wen, a clinical psychologist from Community Psychology Hub (CPH).
“In some cases, children may internalise feelings of guilt or responsibility for their parents' decision to separate, or they may find themselves caught in between parental conflicts,” she added.
“Both during the separation and after the divorce, my daughter became more guarded and less interactive with me,” recalled Mr Hanif, a single dad.
“She seemed afraid to share things with me, especially anything regarding my ex-wife and always seemed very mindful of what she said. As she was only 9 years old, this transformation was painful to witness for me,” he said.
As parents, it is crucial to navigate this tough journey with grace and understanding, particularly for the sake of your children.
An Amicable Approach
“Though my ex-husband and I have divorced, we still play a role as parents. Co-parenting can be tougher when communication is more limited compared to a normal couple. I see my ex-spouse as a 'work partner', and together we work for the benefit of our child. I strive to remain cordial and engage in 'give and take' when it comes to our child. Ultimately, we both want the best for our son,” said Ms Lee, a divorced mum living in Singapore.
In divorce, except for instances of domestic violence where safety is priority, finding amicable resolutions is advised. It is about working together continuously to land on an outcome that addresses the feelings and needs of all parties involved, especially the children.
Navigating Divorce with Your Child's Well-being in Mind
“Divorce can be a tumultuous and emotionally charged process. One thing I learned and attempted to do as I went through the process was to put our son first and constantly ask myself, ‘Will my actions bring my son joy? Is this what he really wants to see from mummy and daddy?’” said Ms Lee.
Children thrive best when they have both parents who cooperate and are actively involved in their lives. Co-parenting will allow for unified decisions on matters like discipline, education, and health care, and can prevent confusion for your child.
Here are several suggestions on how you can co-parent and help your child navigate this challenging time:
- Talk to Your Child About the Divorce Together
Where possible, have ongoing conversations with your children about the divorce alongside the other parent, unless there are safety concerns.
Sharing this news together helps prevent confusion and ensures your children receive a consistent version of the story. This approach shields them from feeling responsible for the divorce or pressured to take sides between parents.
Encourage your children to express their feelings – especially younger children, who may need help finding the right words – and assure them that it’s okay to be upset. It’s important to listen and validate their emotions.
- Educate Yourself
“When I decided to go through the divorce, I read books and connected with people who had gone through similar experiences to prepare myself for it.
I borrowed books that talked about divorce and told stories to my son during bedtime, sharing with him what would happen,” shared Ms Lee.
Read books or attend workshops about effective parenting after divorce. Being informed helps you make better decisions for your child’s welfare.
- Reassure Love and Security
“I assured our son that no matter what was happening, both mummy and daddy still loved him, even if things didn’t work out between us,” added the single mum.
Children often feel insecure during a divorce, and some may blame themselves for the split. Constantly reassure your child that both parents love them and that the divorce is not their fault. This will reinforce their sense of security and belonging.
- Establish Consistent Routines
“Another important aspect was establishing a routine and structure for our child. For example, setting a specific meeting time for each parent during the transition.
This was to create stability and certainty so that he felt assured that both mummy and daddy were still there for him,” recalled Ms Lee.
Maintain consistency in your child’s daily routine, whether it’s school, extracurricular activities, or bedtime rituals. A predictable routine can provide a sense of normalcy and stability.
- Limit Exposure to Conflict
If you're going through a divorce, distance your children from any arguments that you and your spouse may have. Try to handle any disagreements or intense conversations out of your child's earshot.
Avoid arguing or discussing legal matters in front of your children. Seeing parents in conflict can increase their anxiety and stress. And remember, it's not fair to use them as messengers between the both of you.
- Build a Support Network
More often than not, you wish to help your child through this difficult time, but may not be in the best headspace or have the right tools to do so. In these moments, for their sake, don't feel embarrassed to reach out for help.
“Divorce brings emotional distress for both parents and children,” said Ms Law Ya Wen. “Without sufficient support systems, feelings of isolation may become overwhelming. Children who lack supportive environments may develop challenges in their psychosocial development, such as behavioural changes and social withdrawal, if they are unable to make sense of their emotions and adapt to new dynamics.”
“These difficulties, if still left unresolved, can have lasting effects on their academic performance, relationships, and emotional well-being.”
Meanwhile, a strong support system provides the child with a sense of security and normalcy. Such a nurturing environment plays a crucial role in helping the child adjust, heal, and eventually thrive despite the changes in their family dynamic.
This circle of care can make all the difference in a child's journey through one of life's tougher chapters.
Both you and your ex-partner’s parents and extended family can be a big help. Ask them to spend extra time with your child, to watch over and be there for them.
There are also communities and groups out there that understand what your child is going through and can offer them the support they need.
Programmes to Support Children of Divorce in Singapore
In Singapore, the Strengthening Families Programme@Family Service Centres (FAM@FSCs) provide programmes and counselling services to support divorcing and divorced families.
There are different programmes for children that can help them navigate this difficult period and gain skills to cope along the way.
For instance, the Children of Divorce Intervention Programme (CODIP) helps reduce the stress of parental divorce for children and teaches them skills to cope with its challenges.
CODIP is open to children aged 7 to 12 years and is free of charge. The programme takes place over 6 sessions of 2 hours each, covering topics such as understanding and coping with changes in the family, managing parent-child relationships, and enhancing self-esteem.
If you and your ex-spouse are experiencing conflict in co-parenting, you and your child can also participate in the Children in Between (CiB) programme. There are two separate workshops which parents, and children aged 6 to 15, are encouraged to attend.
In CiB, parents can learn more about practical co-parenting skills and ways to resolve parental conflict, while their children can be guided on positive ways to cope with their parents’ divorce.
Lastly, if your child is having a difficult time dealing with the divorce and is exhibiting worrisome behaviours like harming themselves or others, you can sign them up for free Counselling services with an experienced counsellor.
Counselling for children offers a neutral space where they receive dedicated attention and empathy, enabling them to express their feelings candidly and seek help. It is better to address these issues in a safe space before they develop into mental health difficulties in the future.
These programmes create a network where your child can blossom, learn, and find resilience despite the changes in the family dynamics.
In partnership with the FAM@FSCs, we can foster a more loving and understanding environment for our children in the midst of a divorce, helping them to not only navigate these challenging times but also empowering them to thrive.
For more information on the programmes that support families and children of divorce, visit MSF's Family Assist website.