It’s normal for couples to stop being intimate. With work and kids and other pursuits, all of your energy seems to be channelled elsewhere. Showing physical affection can slide down your list of priorities and before you know it, you haven't had sex in six months!
Such is the case for one theAsianparent Community user, who expressed her concern about the fact that she and her husband haven't had sex in six months.
She wonders: is that normal?
Well, the answer is yes, and no. The fact is about 20% of couples live in sexless marriages. A sexless marriage is defined by the experts as having sex less than 10 times a year.
Why am I not having sex?
There are a lot of reasons why a couple stops being intimate. In this case, however, the couple seems to have had a hard time getting the spark back after having a baby, which many couples can relate to.
After birth, a woman’s libido tends to plummet and instead of fixing their libido issues, we often ignore it and hope it will come back in time.
However, the more time that passes, it actually gets harder and not easier to revive your sex life.
Tammy Nelson, a certified sex therapist and the author of Getting the Sex You Want, told the Huffington Post: “Biologically, the body stops producing the sex hormones that make you aroused, especially if you have gone long periods without it,” she explained. “And then you may start to feel like you aren’t interested in it anyway.”
Haven't had sex in six months? How do you rev up a sexless marriage?
Vaginal dryness
A big reason for sex to slow down post-baby is due to vaginal dryness. Vaginal dryness happens due to stuff like oral contraceptive, breastfeeding, perimenopausal etc. There are both natural and medical treatments for vaginal dryness. Some natural things you can do include taking more tofu, soymilk, and edamame which may contain substances with a similar, albeit weaker, effect as estrogen.
Plan a sex date
These scheduled moments of intimacy may be awkward at first but it may help you both get back on track.
“The more sex you have, the more sex you want,” explains Dr. Nelson. “Having sex can jump-start the engine and it may even remind you that you enjoy making love to your partner. You might get out of the roommate rut and start to do it more often.”
Try to schedule sex at least one night a week.
Appreciate your spouse
It's also important to remind yourself that emotional and physical intimacy go hand in hand.
“Emotional loving and sexual loving tend to go hand in hand, each enhancing the other. The more thirsty you are for one, the more likely you are thirsty for the other as well,” says Susan Heitler, a psychologist and the author of Power Of Two Marriage. “To get things started, compliment and appreciate your spouse. Share your time, attention and your curiosity about what the other is doing or thinking about and you’ll be on the right track.”
PDA
Initiate touching and loving gestures even when you're simply sitting on the couch watching TV. This "PDA" without intending to take it any further can ease you back into making love.
Other things to try include lying together naked, experimenting with mutual masturbating, giving each other massages or even just remembering to have a cuddle can really help.
Take a trip
You can also take a trip together to remind you both of your "honeymoon stages". Spending time together sans kids will allow you to rekindle and reconnect with each other. Once you feel emotionally connected again, being physical will come naturally and be all the more enjoyable.
At the end of the day if you haven't had sex for months, take it slow and don't pressurise yourself to jump back in the saddle immediately. Communicate with your spouse and express that you want to kickstart the love engine. Start slow. Too much pressure can totally ruin the mood.
If all else fails and you still can't get intimate, do schedule a session with a sex therapist. There is no shame in seeing a professional.
If you have any insights, questions or comments regarding sexless marriages, please share them with us!