I've been married for over 10 years now. I love my wife more than life itself. But being married for so long also means I've seen her at her ugliest and most hurtful.
Men hurt too. We just try not to make a big deal out of it because we have been conditioned to think that it's just not manly. Especially painful were the bruising lines she would spit out in her rage. Physical abuse is a big issue, and rightly so. But no one really talks about emotional or verbal abuse, and that’s a more subtle and sometimes more deadly weapon women love to wield, often without even realising it.
I’m grateful our marriage is strong enough to have weathered those conflicts, but not allure. The best way to prevent your marriage from simply getting worn down over time by pent up frustration and resentment is to recognise what really gets to us and stop yourself before you utter these hurtful lines. Because, yes, it stings more than a little.
1. Your mum is a <insert choice insult here>!
I have never met a woman who unreservedly loves her mother-in-law. Every woman has been there at some point. We, men, get it, trust me. The tension is usually so thick, we could cut it with a butter knife. But before he met you, this woman was the love of his life. Like you will do for your children, she selflessly provided him with love and care.
If you were anyone else, you would probably be inviting a lot of trouble for saying whatever you said about his mum. As his wife, he refrains from responding in a similar manner out of respect for you. That doesn't mean he's ok with you saying that about his mum though.
The next time you accuse him of taking sides with his mother against you, remember that perhaps he is just showing respect to the woman who brought him up.
I mean, you would prefer him to join you in hurling insults at his mother instead of defending her? Really?
2. You are just like your dad (rolls eyes).
This one is a double whammy. Not only do you take a swipe at the father in law, you imply with your body language and tone that we imbibe everything negative we probably grew up disliking about our own dads - and most of the time there are at least a few issues here.
Talk about exploiting daddy issues. Slow down, girl. Do you really want to rub salt into the vulnerable spots we trusted enough to reveal to you in happier times?
3. My mum was right about you
In relationships that got off on the wrong foot with the wife’s parents, there is bound to have been some form of derision from the older generation about your choice of spouse. At that point, you probably vigorously defended your man.
But somehow, when you get into an argument with the husband, this light goes off in your head and you recall all the tiniest comments your mum had said. This negativity is then used as ammunition which sometimes even culminates in the conclusion that you should never have married him in the first place.
Comments like these reopen old wounds and are essentially destructive to harmonious family life, wearing thin even the bonds within the extended family.
So you made a decision X years ago to stick by your man, and we love you for that. The man he was those years ago, is still the man he is right now. If you stuck by him then, no reason why you shouldn’t anymore.
4. My ex is doing so much better than you now
And this would then beg the question of – Ok, and..? The point being, you married your husband, so why compare?
As angry as you are with him at that point, this can be very hurting. This is especially since there must have been a reason why you married your husband instead of some over-achieving dude who just didn’t treat you right.
5. You never buy me <insert the overpriced item you don’t really need> like her husband
Just as comparing your husband to your ex is hitting a little too low below the belt, so is comparing him to your friend’s husband. Besides, no one really understands the dynamics of a relationship until you are actually in it, and there are some women who play up the great parts of their marriage while leaving out the ugly parts. And believe me, most marriages have a good dose of both.
Before you get all green-eyed monsterish, remember your husband for what we go out of our way to do – like scrimping on the bling to provide for our children’s university education, for example.
6. You don’t know what being a real parent means
Society lauds the selfless acts of motherly love, but fatherly love is often underplayed.
So maybe we are bumbling idiots when it comes to making sure the milk is that exact temperature our daughter likes or maybe we often forget to place the napkins in the little corner you made in the baby drawer.
But that doesn’t mean we don’t try. In any case, playing and bonding, which you dismiss as not being “real” parenting, has great benefits for her development too.
Truth is, every parent has different ways of caring for their children, you’re good at some stuff, but we are better at others. Undermining our parental contributions is detrimental to your spousal relationship and also undermines our relationship with our child.
7. If you loved me….
At some point or other, most women would have at least been tempted to play this card.
Truth: This is emotional blackmail. You are guilting him into doing something he doesn’t want to do or is unable to do by associating 2 unrelated issues.
Generally less hurting than the other lines, it stings nevertheless because it implies that we are in some ways inadequate, despite everything we have done for you.
So ladies, rein in the raging beast. We might seem strong and resilient, but our hearts are putty in your hands. Give us a bit more leeway, talk to us a bit more patiently, and I'm sure you will get better results.
Can you think of a similar incident when you had really hurt your husband? How can wives stop themselves before the situation spirals out of control. Share with us in the comments.