In the journey of raising children, one of the key goals for parents is to nurture their confidence and courage. Encouraging children to step outside their comfort zones, try new things, and develop a resilient mindset is crucial for their personal growth.
To delve deeper into this topic, the webinar titled “Raise Resilient Children with 5Cs” was held as part of the Singapore Parenting Festival 2023. Cheryl Ann Chan, Senior Programme Manager at PlayFACTO School, shared her expertise and insights on building confidence in children through the application of the 5Cs: confidence, connection, character, coping and control. Throughout the webinar, she addressed various questions and concerns raised by parents, providing practical advice and strategies for fostering resilience in children from an early age.
Topics and related questions found in this article:
- How to Build Resilience
- Dealing with Tantrums and Meltdowns
- How to Deal with Poor Performance in School
How to Build Resilience
What can we do to build confidence and courage in my kid? My seven-year-old is unwilling to try new things, always sticking to things and activities that she is comfortable with. She is even afraid to sing or dance in front of us, the parents, so I am really at a loss.
We know from experience that people often feel less confident about new or potentially difficult situations. However, I would like you to think back on those days of your daughter’s exploratory toddling at the age of 12-24 months of age when she would climb anything or grab at anything she can get their hands on. It sure was difficult to get her to stop trying anything new, wasn’t it? So, what happened? What changed in her? Thinking back, were there instances where she was discouraged from trying new things? Another factor you might wish to consider is her sense of self-concept.
Kids who feel good about themselves have the confidence to try new things. They are more likely to try their best. They feel proud of what they can do. Self-esteem helps kids cope with mistakes. It helps kids try again, even if they fail at first. As a result, self-esteem helps kids do better at school, at home, and with friends.
Kids with low self-esteem feel unsure of themselves. If they think others won’t accept them, they may not join in. They may let others treat them poorly. They may have a hard time standing up for themselves. They may give up easily, or not try at all. Kids with low self-esteem find it hard to cope when they make a mistake, lose, or fail. As a result, they may not do as well as they could.
So, here’s what you can do to start the process of helping her feel confident to try new things again.
- Help your child learn to do things. At every age, there are new things for kids to learn. It is important at an early age to focus on breadth of experiences, not depth.
- When teaching kids how to do things, show and help them at first, but do ask first if they need help. Then let them do what they can, even if they make mistakes. Be sure your child gets a chance to learn, try, master and feel proud of their achievements.
- Praise your child, but do it wisely. Keep it authentic and avoid focusing praise only on results (such as getting an A) or fixed qualities (such as being smart or athletic). Instead, offer most of your praise for effort, progress, and attitude. For example: “I’m proud of you for practicing piano — you’ve really stuck with it.”
- Be a good role model. By watching your behavior, your child can learn how to be adventurous in learning new skills.
- Ban judgement and harsh criticism. The messages kids hear about themselves from others easily translate into how they feel about themselves. If negative emotions and words are associated with experiences of exploration, a child will eventually not wish to try anymore.
- Focus on strengths. Pay attention to what your child does well and enjoys. Make sure your child has chances to develop these strengths. This is encouragement that helps develop the first C, Confidence.
Could overconfidence be a bad thing if it is not balanced well? A child may grow up to be too proud to accept feedback.
With all due respect, I beg to differ. Confidence is different from arrogance. You are describing arrogance while confidence is one’s own belief in their own strengths and competencies.
How to tell if a child is confident or inferior? My son boasts to me a lot, but behaves shyly when confronted outside.
It appears as if your son is trying to get your acceptance and approval. Give him the acceptance and approval that he needs and he will perhaps show you his true inner self.
As for the matter of shyness, there are many reasons for his behaviour. However, we know from experience that people often feel less confident about new or potentially difficult situations. A way to help him break out of his shell, is to help him identify his inclinations and develop his strengths. Then be the support he needs to grow in Confidence, which was my first C.
Does Self 1 mean being introverted, while Self 2 is extroverted?
Interesting way of looking at it, but it is not entirely accurate. It is completely possible for a healthy-minded person to make self 1 or self 2 choices regardless of their personality types. That is, it is as likely for an extrovert to make a self 1 choice as it is for an introvert to make a self 2 choice, although the level of ease might vary from individual to individual – the controlling factor would be self-control.
Self 1 is your conscious self that takes into account your own competencies and surrounding external variables (you might even say it could be summed up in a Math equation), which is governed by your logic and intellect. Self 2 is your subconscious self that is, unfortunately, very much governed by internal and subconscious vibes about yourself, such as insecurities, past experiences, irrational judgement and unproven ideas about oneself.
A choice is every person’s decision point. This points to the good news that we can choose to listen to Self 1 and behave in a negative manner, or we can choose to listen to Self 2 and behave in a positive manner, no matter how hard it is and no matter how much we most emphatically not wish to do it. That said, there are of course many other factors that may go into affecting a person’s decision point that might lie in the state of their mental or psychological faculties which might affect their disposition. These are complex situations that need to be addressed separately. But to a generally healthy individual, all we have to do is build self-control.
How about Self 3, marks are lower than past tests? How would you approach this?
I believe you are referring to a third scenario. Allow me to refer you to the previous question, where I defined Self 1 and Self 2.
Do you, as a parent, highlight your disappointment, the failures and the lack of competencies of the child? Or do you encourage the child to try harder, learn from their mistakes, discover and close up their learning gaps and in the process, teach them how to deal with consequences and how to grow stronger through failures?
Studies have shown how figures of authority should step back and allow people to learn for themselves, whether they be managers to employees, sports coaches to players or parents/educators to children. The key is ‘self-directed learning’, which is achieved by keeping the focus on the learner. Act with your goal in mind – what kind of adult you wish your child to grow up to become – and then respond accordingly.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, a fine line between resilience and stubbornness. How to help our child know which is which?
There is a huge difference between resilience and stubbornness. If anything, it is totally unrelated. Stubbornness is a refusal to budge on one’s attitude or position on something, despite having good arguments or reasons to do so. Whereas, resilience is the ability to stand up to headwinds in one’s life or quite simply, learning from failures.
That said, in order to help our children, we first need to understand the difference in context. For example, if we return to the example of the child trying to get onto the chair in a single leap. Stubbornness would be insisting that she could do it through snacking on chips and without a need to practice or to strengthen her muscles, because we all know that good diet and muscle conditioning will make us stronger. Yet in the video, the child showed resilience by not giving in to falls, knowing for a fact that each time she tried, she was developing her muscles or refining her jump technique, until she finally developed the power and mastered the technique. The ability to view setbacks and obstacles with resilience in any situation through a parent’s lens who fully understands what resilience is, is key to helping our children understand it themselves. I wish you all the best in your parenting journey.
How do we balance positive reinforcement in such a way that a child can recover from setbacks and handle negative outcomes?
Resilience is key to answering this question.
What are some activities that we as parents can do with our child to build resilience, or any courses that you recommend to build the 5Cs?
Every moment of every day can be used as an opportunity to help your child build resilience. Remember the 5 C’s? Confidence, Connection, Character, Coping and Control. So, what you really want to do over time, is :
- Help your child believe in themselves – means no tearing down
- Make connections – means organizing playdates or involving them in more community work
- Character – Decide what the key values you want to see in your child as an adult, then work on modelling them and guiding them
- Coping – use the Feel Wheel together at home
- Control – Allow them to make choices within boundaries and don’t overwrite them, even if there are consequences. Let them face their own music but provide them unconditional love and support to learn from their mistakes without judgement.
There is a pretty remarkable parenting course known as Alpha Parenting usually run by churches – I am almost certain you can search via Google and find one near you. I would also recommend an excellent book – Grit, by Angela Duckworth.
Your child has wonderful parents and I wish you both all the success in helping your child build resilience.
How early in a kid’s age should we apply the 5Cs?
Choices and decisions stem from the child themselves. The moment they start to experience free will, which is as early as 10-12 months of age. Babies and toddlers are actually very capable of thought and decision making, although their limbic system, which is the area of the brain that controls emotions, does not fully develop till the age of 5, so it wouldn’t count on a 2 year old being able to control their emotions very well. However, it is a process and through unconditional love and consistent guidance, a child will develop the abilities to make right choices.
That said, some C’s can be applied sooner. From the time you are able to interact with them as a baby, you can 1) Help your child believe in themselves (Confidence); 2) Make Connections; and from the time they are a toddler, you could teach them 3) Character (by modelling values); 4) Coping mechanisms (identifying and expressing emotions); and self Control (Allowing them to experience consequences without excuses nor bargaining and taking responsibility for their own decisions).
Dealing with Tantrums and Meltdowns
When the child is having a meltdown, should we just let the child cry out loud (even in public)? What can we parents do while the child is having a meltdown?
Children need empathy and compassion during a meltdown. Meltdowns are their way of letting it all out when their emotions are too overwhelming or when their emotional tanks are depleted. 4 main factors deplete their tanks (H-hunger; A-anxiety; L-loneliness; T-tiredness), they get overwhelmed by their emotions and act up through defiance or they simply shut down and it becomes difficult to get through to their logical brains until they have calmed down.
Do do this in this specific order :
- Stay calm – Any form of stress/frustration on your part will feed the meltdown
- Calm your child down – cuddle him/her closely and reassure them of your love; do not be distracted by anything to help your child feel valued (yes, even strangers looking); you can rock them.
- Validate your child’s emotions and show empathy – Respond with words such as “I see you got angry when we ignored you. That must be so frustrating since there was something you really needed to tell us.”
- Ask questions later.
- Discuss the situation even later.
Children, on the contrary to popular belief, do not go into meltdowns on purpose. They just can’t understand what they’re feeling and don’t know how to deal with it. If you react negatively, they will be afraid of being unloved and stress hormones will be released into their body, thereby fueling the initial meltdown. You may have to keep repeating your empathy and assurance until he/she hears you and understands what you’re saying. That will calm him/her down.
Words to use : I’m right here; I want to understand what happened; I love you no matter what
Words NOT to use : It’s ok (errr, it’s actually NOT ok and that’s why they’re crying); Stop crying (this makes it worse)
Of course, this cannot be applied to neurodivergent children, who might require a very different sort of coping mechanism for certain triggers. If you’re uncertain, it’s best to consult a professional if your child is neurodivergent. There are usually accompanying telltale signs.
When everybody is back to a calm and happy state, that would be the time to ask what happened and ask “How can we better ask for what we want in future without getting upset about it?”
My 8-year-old son tends to get emotional and sometimes cry when he doesn’t get or do what he wants. At times, he would scream. How can I deal with this behaviour?
That sounds really challenging, and it is understandably frustrating for you as a parent. There are so many factors that could influence this behaviour. The first questions that pop into mind are: Is your son given screen time? Has screaming enabled him to get away with not listening to instructions before? Has he ever been told it is unacceptable to scream or yell? Do you feel that he is behaving with tremendous self-entitlement? Or, has he ever been diagnosed with any behavioural disorders?
When it comes to raising successful, caring and well-rounded kids, everything starts with the family. The best homes are compassionate homes, where children’s voices and feelings are prioritised.
I shall offer you a generic solution and hope that it aids you.
The first thing to remember is that children (like adults) need to have their emotional tanks filled on a daily basis as they get depleted by stress, disappointments, anxiety and other problems. Their tanks can be filled through various actions of love and affection from the people around them, such as a hug/kiss (physical), being read a book together (quality time), receiving a thoughtful gift that takes into account their needs (gifts), receiving praise and verbal assurance (affirmative words), or doing something for them like preparing a sandwich for their lunch (acts of service). I would advise you to read up on the 5 Love Languages, find out your son’s love language and fill up his emotional tank everyday.
When children’s emotional tanks are depleted, usually from 4 main factors (H-hunger; A-anxiety; L-loneliness; T-tiredness), they get overwhelmed by their emotions and act up through defiance or they simply shut down and it’s hard to get through to their logical brains. On the other hand, when a child’s emotional tank is full, you’ll see them flourish and beam with confidence and positivity. It is also easier to rationalize with them.
Another really good book to read is The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr Harvey Karp. While this mostly applies to parenting toddlers, sometimes it’s necessary to take a step backwards to move forwards. And this book teaches a lot of basic strategies on positive reinforcement of good behavior. I just have to say, that you will have to envision the kind of man you wish your son to grow up to be; then with this in mind, parent him by developing those values and his strengths. It is important to note that consistency is key. I wish you the very best with your son.
My son is now 18 months and he cannot speak yet. Several meltdowns experienced recently (after recovering from sickness) and refusing to sit down to eat properly. How can I teach him to control his emotions and communicate his needs through non-verbal cues? I think he understands 90% of what I say.
The limbic system, which is the area of the brain that controls emotions, does not fully develop till the age of 5, so I wouldn’t count on your 18 month old being able to control their emotions very well. Simply put, your child wouldn’t have the physiological brain development needed to control their emotions even if they wanted to. If you think about it, even some adults are unable to control their emotions!
Yes, you are indeed right. Studies have shown most babies can understand verbal cues and words from 6 to 12 months of age, even simple commands through regular interaction and communication. It is clear too, that your toddler is experiencing and exercising free will at this point – in terms of refusing to sit properly for a meal. That is because there are more fun things to do walking around! This is a boundary challenging stage and I will just say that consistency is key. Let your ‘yes’ be a yes and your ‘no’ be a no.
Never say no to walking around on weekdays, and then allowing it on the weekend. This confuses the child and they also learn very quickly that your boundaries are elastic. What you could do is to model the right behavior at mealtimes – toddlers learn best through mimicry. Remove all distractions from the table and around the dining table. You could also try introducing table top activities to keep your child engaged and interested. I used to read to my children during mealtimes or allow them to draw and colour with large crayons. Learning this habit of quiet and happy mealtimes also made it far easier taking them out to fancy restaurants. They would continue to sit, behave and eat well no matter where you are.
In the area of communication through non-verbal cues, you could try baby sign language. I taught my daughter sign language as a baby and she started using it from about 10 months old until she could express her needs through words. You can easily Google it.
I also recommend some remarkably helpful books, Your Child’s Growing Mind by Jane Healy and The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr Harvey Karp.
Baby and toddlers experience massive brain and physiological development and changes on almost a daily basis. This makes it even more challenging for us parents because this means we have to constantly evolve our styles to better suit them. However, with practice, it certainly makes us better parents. I wish you all the very best in your parenting journey!
How do I support my child better?
The first thing to remember is that children (like adults) need to have their emotional tanks filled. Their tanks can be filled through various actions of love and affection from the people around them, such as a hug/kiss (physical), being read a book together (quality time), receiving a thoughtful gift that takes into account their needs (gifts), receiving praise and verbal assurance (affirmative words), or doing something for them like preparing a sandwich for their lunch (acts of service).
When children’s emotional tanks are depleted, usually from 4 main factors (H-hunger; A-anxiety; L-loneliness; T-tiredness), they get overwhelmed by their emotions and act up through defiance or they simply shut down and it’s hard to get through to their logical brains. On the other hand, when a child’s emotional tank is full, you’ll see them flourish and beam with confidence and positivity. It is also easier to rationalize with them.
It is advisable for you to read up on the 5 Love Languages and implement them. But please remember, everybody’s love language is different. If your child is old enough, you can do the online quiz which is free to understand the way they interpret and receive love.
Every child is their own person and is the critical decision maker of their own lives. It is key to help them build up the skills needed to make good decisions. It is also critical to remember that no human is perfect and does make mistakes, what more a child who’s just learning about the world around them. Therefore, as the parents who guide them, we could remember this critical point and be slower to blame, get upset or scold them. With the end game in mind, that is to guide and aid our children in growing into mature, responsible, well-balanced and loving adults, we can plan our strategies and tactics when it comes to matters of managing them when young. I wish you and your family all the love you need to sustain you.
Where can we get the feel wheel?
One can obtain many Feel Wheels out there in the online space, but this is my favourite one for young children: https://www.imom.com/printable/printable-feelings-wheel/
How to Deal with Poor Performance in School
Back to the math questions, what if he really didn’t put in effort and that’s why he got poor results? What should we say? I see he put less effort on the more recent test that is why the results dropped.
You could say, “I know that wasn’t your best test score, but we all have our off days. I’m proud of you for not giving up.” Voicing that shows your unconditional support not dependent on grades but rather, dependent on effort. Then add a vote of confidence: “For the preparation of the next test, what can we do to achieve better results?”
After emotions have died down, the big question that begs to be answered is then: What caused the poor results? Is it a lack of competence, which can be easily addressed through strengthening of Math foundations, for example, by enrolling him for a course such as Creative Math©. Or, is it a sign of rebellion against putting in any form of effort?
In my line of work, I have seen many students across various ages rebel against doing their homework or putting in the effort for their tests. All of those kids whom I had spoken to reported high anxiety levels, constant feelings of stress, burnout by a never-ending cycle of work, or the unattainable parental acceptance (“It doesn’t matter whether I do well or poorly, I would get a scolding anyway.” The best way for you to find out, is simply to ask your child – whether it’s a case of competence level or rebellion.
Studies confirm that kids aren’t inclined to mindless, unreasoning rebellion. They can appreciate the benefits of cooperation, and they are willing to recognize the legitimacy of certain rules — like rules designed to protect our safety and enforce fairness.
So what’s the solution? Be fair-minded. Listen to his requests. Give him opportunities to make personal decisions. And teach him to consider his duty as a student and the needs of others. In so doing, you would also be helping him work on one of the C’s in the framework of building Resilience – Control. But don’t forget the other 4 C’s too!
What can I do when I clearly know that my child in P4 knows how to answer questions but she is just trying her way to get herself away from doing the question. she will even melt down when I repeatedly ask her to complete it. 15 minutes later, she stopped crying and calmed herself down and tried to attempt the question and she got it right. How to guide her to do homework without the meltdown episode?
As an educator, I can confirm that there are many factors that might affect a child’s ability to “do” a question irregardless of their competency. I can name you some – mood, distraction, fear, fight or flight emotions, hunger, stress, clear-mindedness, energy level,… you get my point. Knowing how to do a question is one thing, actually doing it is another. Perhaps you wish to focus on the “desirous” aspect of doing the homework or question. Have you ever wondered why your daughter is resisting doing it? Only when you can figure out the reason, can you then have her complete her homework without a meltdown episode.
What I do with my kids, is ingrain in them from an early age, accountability in their homework. We discuss how every human has duties. The mother’s duty is to care for her children, feed and clothe them; while a child’s duty is to be filial and to be a good student. What then defines a good student? One who completes their homework without being asked, one who always puts in their best effort in all challenges, and one who enjoys the learning process. Is your daughter seeing the homework as an exercise for her brain muscles? Or as a chore? How can you help her see things differently?
In my line of work, I have seen many students across various ages rebel against doing their homework or putting in the effort for their tests. All of those kids whom I had spoken to reported high anxiety levels, constant feelings of stress, burnout by a never-ending cycle of work, or the unattainable parental acceptance (“It doesn’t matter whether I do well or poorly, I would get a scolding anyway.” The best way for you to find out, is simply to ask your child openly and honestly.
Studies confirm that kids aren’t inclined to mindless, unreasoning rebellion. They can appreciate the benefits of cooperation, and they are willing to recognize the legitimacy of certain rules — like rules designed to protect our safety and enforce fairness.
So what should you do next? I recommend these : Be fair-minded. Listen to her requests. Give her opportunities to make personal decisions. And teach her to consider her duty as a student and the needs of others. In so doing, you would also be helping her work on one of the C’s in the framework of building Resilience – Control. But don’t forget the other 4 C’s too! Good luck.
Resilient yes, keep pushing regardless of many failures, but that might be just not the child thing or cup of coffee. Should we keep pushing them or accept and move to other things? For example, I enrolled my child for piano lessons. Initially she enjoyed it, but once it got challenging, she lost interest, the same as drawing.
There is no point in pushing a child to master something that is not to his or her inclinations or aspirations.
You could be reading the definition of resilience incorrectly. Resilience is the ability to stand up to headwinds in one’s life or quite simply, learning from failures. It is about having mettle and perseverance to push through challenging situations, such as personal tragedy or disappointments and loss. Learning a skill such as music or art, for a child, relies heavily on intrinsic motivation.
The three main elements of intrinsic motivation are autonomy, purpose, and mastery.
People are intrinsically motivated when they can act independently, feel that their efforts matter, and gain satisfaction from becoming more skilled. These are the kids who will persevere through challenging pieces and work through difficult tasks and stages of learning.
Intrinsic motivation can be contrasted with extrinsic motivation, which involves engaging in a behavior to earn external rewards or to please the people around them.
Young children are usually in the process of figuring out their passions and aspirations. In your child’s case, her motivation might have been affected by any combination of the 3 elements during the process of learning, or perhaps she very simply figured out she was not interested anymore.
Tell us more about Playfacto as a student care and helping with the development of my child if I join.
First of all, we are the first and only Positive Education school for after-school care and STEM enrichment courses for the development of critical thinking and computational thinking. More importantly, our emphasis lies not on academic excellence but also in their well-being.
As a place where a child spends a huge proportion of their waking hours, we strive to provide a whole lot more than just a safe, comfortable, well-lit, well-designed space. Therefore, all PlayFACTO School campuses are imbued with the PERMA values framework, designed to help children learn through engagement and play, and to flourish.
About the Expert:
Cheryl Ann Chan is a dynamic and accomplished Senior Programme Manager at PlayFACTO School, a leading educational institution that specialises in innovative and engaging learning experiences for children.