How to Discipline Without Yelling or Spanking

There aren’t many topics in the parenting space where the research is clear, but spanking is one of them. In 2018, the American Academy of Pediatrics reaffirmed its position that spanking isn’t effective discipline, and physical punishment, in general, may lead to increased aggression in children. Though rates of spanking have declined over the past few decades, the vast majority of Americans still spank (or feel pressured to spank) their little kids. In Singapore, eight in ten parents use corporal punishment on their own children, international research agency YouGov reported.

We have an essay from Zuzana Boehmová about how her family thinks she’s acting like a “snotty, New Age-y” hippie because she doesn’t spank her children. This piece illustrates poignantly how hard it is to not lash out at a toddler who has driven you to the brink of your patience (and sanity) — particularly if you were spanked as a child, and it’s a default reaction in your lizard brain. As Boehmová put it in her essay, “I often feel myself at a loss when dealing with my own kids. When they upset me, I draw a blank on how best to react to their tantrums, frustrations or straight-up naughty behaviour.”

Because many parents feel this way, we asked two pediatricians whose bylines you’ll see in NYT Parenting in the coming months — Dr. Nia Heard-Garris, a pediatrician at the Ann & Robert H. Lurie Children’s Hospital of Chicago; and Dr. Aaron E. Carroll, a professor of pediatrics at Indiana University School of Medicine — for advice on how to discipline toddlers effectively, and calm yourself down when you’re at the end of your rope. Here are their best tips.

How to Discipline Without Yelling or Spanking

STAY CONSISTENT. If multiple caretakers watch your children, said Dr Heard-Garris, have everyone enforce the same behavioural standards. “Discussing stable, consistent rules are the first step before you talk about the actual approaches to discipline,” she said. If Grandma has different rules than Dad, your 3-year-old might get confused (or, in my experience, use the knowledge of different standards to undermine the entire system).

USE POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT. When your children behave appropriately, Dr Carroll said to praise them for that goodness instead of just punishing them for what’s bad. “It’s more important to reward good behaviour than to come down on negative,” Dr Carroll said.

TRY TIMEOUTS. Both paediatricians said that effective discipline is nuanced: Not every tactic will work for every child. But both mentioned that timeouts work for many families. The standard rule is a minute for every year. So if your 2-year-old won’t stop jumping on the couch, she should go to her room for two minutes. Call out her negative behaviour as you’re disciplining her in real-time, so she understands why she’s being punished. “You didn’t stop jumping on the couch, so you are going to your room for a timeout,” for example. If she misbehaves in school and you’re giving her a timeout five hours later, Dr Heard-Garris said, that won’t work.

If she acts out outside your home, name the problem and remove her from the situation. “If you don’t stop pulling cans off the shelf, we’re leaving the store,” and then leave. (However, Dr Carroll said the one place all bets are off is on airplanes, that lawless nightmare in the sky.)

IF TIMEOUTS DON’T WORK … there are alternatives. If a tantrum is over a toy or a specific object, take the object away and then ignore the meltdown. You can also try redirecting behaviour. “You can’t jump on the couch, kid, but you can jump on the floor.” For children age 5 and up, maybe even try role-playing, suggested Dr Heard-Garris. Ask your child, “If you had another chance, how would you ask for what you want in a better way?”

TAKE A TIMEOUT FOR YOURSELF, TOO. If your child has pushed you to the point where you feel you can’t respond without spanking or yelling, take some space. “Depending on a kid’s temperament, you may be at the brink every day,” said Dr Heard-Garris.

Tap another caretaker in, if possible, suggested Dr Carroll. Tell them, “You have to handle this, I’m going to lose it.” And leave the scene until you calm down.

If you’re alone, still aim to take the same break. “I try to have the parents name their own feelings,” said Dr Heard-Garris, which can ultimately help your kids do the same. You can say something like, “Mommy is really frustrated right now because of X, Y and Z. I want to take two minutes. I need that space.” Or, try calling a friend or family member to talk you down in that moment, so that you can get distance from those feelings of rage. “You just need that gap of space to calm down before you’re able to interact again,” said Dr Heard-Garris.

“How to Discipline Without Yelling or Spanking” By Jessica Grose © 2020 The New York Times Company

This story was originally published on 2 April 2019 in NYT Parenting.