Do you find yourself running out of patience when dealing with your kid? Check out these tips on how to be a calm parent.
In this article, you'll read:
- Why is mindfulness important in teaching little kids?
- Calming tips for parents of preschoolers
- Parenting affirmations you can try
For our children to learn, we need to be the calm presence in their life that will encourage them to explore. Easier said than done, right?
Because of the pandemic, not only am I the default parent, but I've also become the default teacher of my toddler. He's approaching preschool age, so I am slowly teaching him about the alphabet and other competencies that he will be needing when he goes to school.
But as much as I want to engage in all sorts of sensory and creative play with my child, take on fun science experiments together, the moment I see all the mess from the activity, or the whole stress of my child having a tantrum before the experiment even begins, I feel discouraged and I decide to abort mission.
Mums of toddlers and preschoolers can definitely relate to what I'm going through. As much as we want to bond with our child and give her a great experience, something triggers our anxieties and the calm disappears into thin air.
It may seem impossible to be the calm, gentle and loving presence that our preschooler needs during this stage, especially if we keep getting triggered by outside forces. But for child experts, this is not so far-fetched. We really need to master one thing - mindfulness.
Why is mindfulness important in parenting preschoolers?
Mindfulness is simply being present in the moment without judgment and giving in to distractions. It takes conscious effort to be still and 'at your centre,' especially when your preschooler is pulling your attention in all different directions.
However, there is enough evidence that practising mindfulness helps relieve stress and anxiety, improves attention and memory, and promotes self-regulation and empathy.
Moreover, there are other effects of mindfulness that can be beneficial in parenting young learners:
- You become more patient and present to your child's feelings, which can help you respond better to his needs.
- You get to decide how to respond at the moment, instead of being caught up with your own emotions.
- You can still feel the normal reactions when your child pushes your buttons. However, because you know what the appropriate response is, you can model self-regulation and empathy towards your child instead of using negative forms of discipline.
Mindfulness is good, but again, for parents of toddlers and preschoolers, easier said than done. So we've come up with some tips on practising mindfulness and being the calm, zen presence you want to be in your child's life.
How to be a calm parent? Here are 8 things you can try
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Pay attention to your breathing
One of the important techniques in mindfulness is knowing how and when to breathe. Practise taking a deep breath, holding it for five seconds, then exhaling for 5 seconds. Repeat twice. Do it as needed, especially during challenging times, such as when your preschooler accidentally spills water on the floor.
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Stretch those muscles
Aside from training your mind, you also have to train your body to focus. Doing some stretching exercises can help you pay attention to your body and the way it feels. Instead of yelling or spanking your child when he is testing your patience, you can try going down on the floor and doing some calming yoga poses (my favourite is the child's pose) instead.
Doing so will also distract your toddler from having a meltdown and he might even try to go into meditation mode with you.
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Count to 10
Child experts and parents swear on this technique. Instead of screaming your lungs out when you see a big mess, try taking a deep breath and counting to 10, as slowly as you can. This will help bring your heart rate down and allow you to relax.
Count to 10 before you respond to another mess, another "no," another tantrum. This is also one way to teach your child about regulating emotions and practising self-control.
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Find an affirmation that works for you
An affirmation is a saying that helps you connect with your centre, so you can act from a place of calm. Choose one that speaks to you, or sounds like something you would say and try repeating it as often as you can. You can say it out loud when you're washing the dishes, giving baby a bath, or when you are at your wit's end looking at the clutter in front of you.
Here are some affirmations you can try saying:
"Today, I release any negative thoughts." "I embrace joy and gratitude wherever I find it." “As I let go of what no longer serves me, I enjoy more things that are important to me.” “I don’t live for things, I live for a bigger purpose.” "This won't last forever." "My house is a mess. I am not a mess. I am good inside even when there is mess on the outside."
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Go out and get some air
When you just can't handle your child's meltdown at that very moment, give yourself permission to walk away. It's better than reacting negatively and doing something you might regret later on.
However, don't just walk away expecting that your child will be well-behaved when you come back. Leaving her without talking can just create some abandonment issues. So just calmly tell her that you need to step out and breathe for a bit, but you will be back and you can figure it out together.
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Go down to your child's level.
According to an article from the New York Times, emotions are just a form of energy that is seeking expression. So it is important to acknowledge our emotions. Disregarding them will not help. Noticing and naming our emotions is actually one of the first steps to self-regulation.
Naming how you're feeling will give you a chance to step back and make good choices about what to do with them. Naming your emotions gives you the power to control them, not the other way around.
This is a good practise to help your child understand how self-regulation works. You can say, "This makes me mad," or "This makes me upset." But you can reassure your child that you're in control of your emotions. "But even when I'm upset, I am still your mother who loves you." Then you can ask to step out of the room to gather your composure.
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Focus on your connection
As mentioned earlier, if your child is acting out, it's highly likely that he is longing for connection. He may be feeling disconnected from you and he does not know how to express how he's feeling in a constructive way.
So punishing or distancing yourself from your child can actually be counterproductive and make the disconnection worse.
Instead, work on rebuilding the connection. After you've taken a few minutes to gather your thoughts, flop down on the floor with him and say, "This has been quite a day for us. I wonder if we both need a hug?"
Remember, an escalated adult cannot de-escalate an escalated child. Moreover, your child's actions do not reflect on the kind of parent you are, so give yourself some room to breathe, mum. Try these mindfulness tips and focus on staying calm when faced with a challenging situation with your toddler or preschooler.
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