My autistic son loves to sing It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.
It’s ironic because for him, and for many families like ours, the winter holidays are more like anxiety marathons than a relaxing joy-filled break. But over the years, I’ve learned that trying to understand how autistic children experience holidays and being flexible with our expectations can make these long winter breaks more joyous times for everyone.
Christmas can unsettle autistic children for legitimate reasons
Holidays unsettle autistic children for legitimate reasons. If your child thrives on routine, consider how challenging this time of the year can be. There are school breaks, trips that take them outside their comfort zone, and relatives descending from afar and invading their space.
Local stores, neighbourhoods and even your own home may have holiday makeovers, which can be exciting but also disturbing if your child is of the opinion that anything different is bad. And while you may look forward to traditional holiday dinners, for autistic children (or really, autistic anybody) they can be intolerably long, talky, smelly, bright and emotionally overpowering affairs.
Christmas can unsettle autistic kids for legitimate reasons. Photo: Shutterstock
Our autistic children can have a much easier time navigating this seasonal chaos if we have their backs and help them cope with the disruptions or delights the holidays may bring.
Children with autism may be passionate about specific topics, like dinosaurs. Photo: Shutterstock
If your child is passionate about specific topics, like local bus routes, Ghibli films, dinosaurs or military history, give family and friends printed information sheets or links to online FAQs so they can engage the child in conversations. And if your child likes to converse in scripts or repeat phrases, let people know that this is normal and whether a response will be expected. Also remind others that even if your child doesn’t speak in typical fashion, or at all, it’s still rude to talk about them like they’re not sitting right there.
Consider getting children with autism presents you know they will like, instead of therapeutic gifts “even if that means plastic straws.” Photo: Shutterstock
If your traditions involve presents, I recommend avoiding therapeutic gifts, and instead making an effort to find things your autistic child will like ” even if they are not typical items for a kid that age, or traditional gifts at all (for example, my son’s most desired gift for several years was green plastic Starbucks straws). Note that some children might like containers or bubble wrap better than the gifts themselves, and some autistic children might take no interest in presents. (Again, issue a reminder that it’s not rudeness.) You can also share your child’s gift preferences, if asked.
Some children might like containers or bubble wrap better than the gifts themselves. Photo: Shutterstock
Successful holidays can also mean keeping things calm and low-key.
Some autistic children may withdraw or shut down when events are too overwhelming. Photo: Shutterstock
If the holidays are too much, our children may meltdown, or shut down. They may lash out in what looks like anger, or withdraw entirely. If your child does lose their ability to cope, and especially if they have a meltdown, do your best to keep them safe instead of punishing them for being overwhelmed.
Know that even if your child can talk, they may not be able to tell you why they imploded or exploded because they can struggle to identify their feelings (this is called alexithymia). They may also need time to process what happened, which means it can be impossible for them to explain what happened, or what they need, at the moment. And make sure you have an exit plan in case things go south.
My husband and I usually take two cars to events, in case our son needs to leave (or in case he’s getting close to needing to leave, which is a much easier time to make a smooth exit). It’s not fair to force an upset autistic person to stay in a situation he can no longer tolerate because of sensitivities beyond his control, and it’s nice for other family members to get to stay behind and keep enjoying themselves.
Autistic children may want to leave an event, like a Christmas dinner, before it is over ” it helps to have an exit strategy in place. Photo: Shutterstock
You and your autistic child are in this holiday thing together, so be kind to yourselves.
You’re probably not going to be able to fix everything. Siblings brawl, kids get overwhelmed and have meltdowns, and guests behave unforgivably. If you have a parenting partner, tag-team as needed. If you can get babysitting or respite, do it. Try to take breaks if you feel close to snapping. And remember that autistic kids do mature, and situations that are hard for them now might be achievable in a few years.
Imagine Taking an Autistic Child on Holiday: Why Families Need Help
But no matter how this year goes, if you get through the holidays by accommodating your autistic child, then you can tell yourself you did your best.
The Washington Post
This article originally appeared in the South China Morning Post (SCMP), the most authoritative voice reporting on China and Asia for more than a century. For more SCMP stories, please explore the SCMP app or visit the SCMP’s Facebook and Twitter pages. Copyright © 2019 South China Morning Post Publishers Ltd. All rights reserved.
Copyright (c) 2019. South China Morning Post Publishers Ltd. All rights reserved.