Can a baby really strain your relationship with your spouse?
We’ve all heard of the married couple on the brink of separation who think having a baby will save their marriage. But can having a baby really strengthen a couple’s relationship, or drive them to leave each other?
We spoke to Winifred Ling — the director of W3ave Pte Ltd and Psychologist and Couples Therapist at Promises Pte Ltd — about the matter.
Following are our questions to Winifred and her answers.
Will having a baby improve one’s marriage? How so?
The answer to this question is “it depends”. Depends on what you may ask? Primarily, it depends on the quality and strength of the couple’s relationship before the baby arrives.
Few events stress marriage more than the addition of a new member. No matter how positive the event is, transition to parenthood is accompanied by anxiety and emotional reactivity.
Parenthood is ever evolving and changing and that makes it even more challenging because just as you think you’ve mastered a stage, the baby decides to change things up and you are back to square one.
Looking after a newborn can be exhausting work for both parents
Now, what does the research say about this phenomenal transition?
One common thread across different studies that researchers have agreed on is that relationship satisfaction tends to decrease when the couple has their first child.
Many new parents are not prepared for the massive changes that happen during the transition from 2 family members, to 3.
The changes that they experience include increased stress and strains, altered values and goals, shifts in roles, diminished communication due to fatigue and lack of time and increased hostility and resentment.
Physical changes that happen can be equally or more difficult. Some of these, for example, are:
- Increased fatigue;
- Weaker immune system;
- Residual discomfort from pregnancy and childbirth;
- A change in body image;
- Lowered sexual desires; and
- Mood changes such as sadness, anxiety and depression.
Some women are also susceptible to post natal depression that compounds the difficulty in managing the newborn.
More from Winifred on the next page…
Having a baby doesn’t have to affect your relationship in a negative way
It sounds like the answer is “no, having a baby will not improve one’s marriage, right?
That’s not accurate either. The effect of the changes vary from person to person and their overall coping skills.
Here is what a leading expert on this matter — John Gottman — who has done research in this area for more than 40 years, found about the transition to parenthood and marital relationships.
Two-third of mothers experience a precipitous drop in relationship satisfaction starting from about 4 to 6 months after their first baby is born and continuing through the end of the first year.
Fathers typically experience the same decrease in satisfaction but theirs begins later in the first year and continues through the end of the second year.
Here is the the good news! One-third or 33 per cent of couples showed no decline in relationship satisfaction and some even showed an increase in satisfaction during the transition!
What gives? I’ve mentioned the answer before and I’ll say it again — it depends on the quality and strength of the couple’s relationship before the baby arrives.
If your relationship was strong before having a baby, it’s likely you can keep it that way after baby arrives
Let’s call the 33% group “flourishing couples” and the 67% group “ailing couples”.
Flourishing couples continue to strengthen their relationship because they connect not just on one level but on as many levels as possible.
These are intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, and sexual levels. What usually happens during the transition to parenthood is that communication decreases, which results in loss of intimacy and increased in conflicts and misunderstanding.
The relationship is intensely focused on the baby during the transition time and this means that the couple’s needs may be temporarily greater in some areas (for example, sleep!) than in others (such as sex).
The flourishing couples are those who acknowledge and accept this discrepancy and find ways to continue to invest time, energy and love to each other.
There are 3 areas that the flourishing couples do better than the rest and for them, marriage certainly strengthens and deepens their marital bond.
Find out about these 3 areas on the next page…
Are you a ‘flourishing couple’?
One, they stay best friends with each other. They find time to reconnect with each other and remember what brought them together in the first place.
They share the challenges that they each face as they journey through uncharted territory — the anxiety, fear, concerns, joy, contentment, bliss.
They discuss how their priorities and perspectives have shifted as a consequence of their new roles. They remain engaged and interested in each other as individuals.
Secondly, they learn how to regulate, not resolve conflicts. Spouses may fight more frequently once children enter their lives due to various reasons.
One of the biggest issues seem to be the differences in parenting style. It is natural to disagree. In fact expect yourself to do so. Successful parents are not immune to disagreement.
However they do so gently with great respect and understanding of each other’s point of view. Also, they avoid harsh and hurtful words.
A ‘flourishing couple’ will support each other in their journey of Parenthood
Third, each partner in the relationship enters into marriage and parenthood from different experiences and/or backgrounds. Flourishing couples recognize the importance of blending and creating new shared dreams and meaning in their life as a family.
In short, they develop “we-ness” either through formal or informal rituals of connection, and these further strengthen their bonds.
Children are a strong source of connection for couples as they provide reason for them to do their best to provide, make necessary sacrifices and work to deepen their relationship. The joy that most parents experience from becoming mothers and fathers is indescribable.
More good news! It is possible for those who are currently in the ailing group to become flourishing couples if they are willing to invest in their relationship.
By creating a supportive environment in the home, they are able to increase relationship satisfaction and decrease the negative aspects of the transition to parenthood.
By making the conscious effort to change and learn new ways to manage any conflicts related to having a baby, there is definitely hope that more can become flourishing couples.
theAsianparent would like to thank Winifred for her valuable input.
Having a baby is an adventure for couples. It is something that initially may strain your relationship, but in the long run, can bring you closer together than ever.
If, as parents, you compromise, make time for each other, don’t ignore each other, and separate yourselves from being just parents, then your relationship should be just fine.
Try to remember that the beginning is tiring and hard, but that it will get easier as time goes on and adjustments are made. Always be a ‘flourishing couple’!
We hope you found this article useful. Do you have any tips on keeping a marriage strong after having a baby? Share your thoughts with us by leaving a comment below.