As parents, we all want to protect our children from emotional pain. Sometimes, in an effort to shield them, we might brush off their feelings by saying things like, “They didn’t mean it that way.” While it may seem harmless or even helpful in the moment, this simple phrase can have a lasting impact on how children process their emotions. Here’s why dismissing your child’s feelings can lead to emotional harm in the long run, and how you can approach these situations differently.
Children Need to Feel Heard
When your child comes to you with a hurt feeling or complaint, it’s because they trust you to listen. Telling them, “It wasn’t a big deal” or “You’re overreacting,” may seem like a way to calm them down, but it actually teaches them that their emotions aren’t valid. Over time, this can lead to your child feeling unheard and misunderstood. They may start to question whether their feelings are worth sharing at all, which can have serious effects on their emotional well-being.
In Singapore’s fast-paced and achievement-oriented society, children are already under pressure to succeed academically and socially. If they feel that even their parents are not validating their emotions, they may internalise these struggles, leading to higher stress levels and anxiety.
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Emotional Suppression Hurts Long-Term Development
Constantly telling a child that their feelings don’t matter, or dismissing their pain by saying “They didn’t mean it,” teaches them to suppress their emotions. Emotional suppression might seem like a temporary solution, but in the long run, it can cause more harm than good. Children who learn to hide their emotions may struggle with expressing themselves as adults, leading to communication issues and difficulties in forming healthy relationships.
In Singapore, where emotional well-being is increasingly being recognised as a critical part of a child’s development, it’s important to raise emotionally intelligent children. Part of this is helping them process and understand their feelings, even the tough ones.
What They Learn About Conflict Resolution
By brushing aside your child’s feelings with phrases like “They didn’t mean it,” you’re also inadvertently teaching them that conflict resolution isn’t important. Children learn from their parents how to navigate relationships and handle disputes. If they see that their feelings are dismissed, they might believe that avoiding conflict or letting others hurt them without addressing it is normal behaviour.
Instead of teaching them to ignore hurtful situations, you can guide them in understanding how to handle conflict constructively. Encourage them to talk about what upset them, help them find the words to express their feelings, and empower them to stand up for themselves.
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How to Respond in a More Supportive Way
Rather than dismissing their emotions, try validating what they are feeling. Even if you believe the other person didn’t mean any harm, your child’s emotional response is real. You can say something like, “I understand that you feel hurt, let’s talk about it.” This shows your child that their emotions are valid, and it opens up a conversation about how they can handle the situation in the future.
You can also encourage them to think about the other person’s perspective while still validating their feelings. For example, “I can see why you’re upset. Maybe they didn’t realise how it made you feel, but you must talk about it.”
The Lasting Benefits of Emotional Validation
When you validate your child’s feelings, you’re teaching them that it’s okay to feel and express emotions. This builds their confidence in navigating the emotional complexities of relationships. They grow up knowing that it’s okay to have emotions, and it’s important to talk about them, both with their loved ones and with the people who have upset them.
In Singapore, where many parents are focused on their child’s academic success, it’s essential to remember that emotional intelligence is just as important. Helping your child develop emotional resilience sets them up for success in both their personal and professional lives.
Ultimately, by acknowledging and supporting your child’s feelings instead of dismissing them, you help nurture a more emotionally aware and confident individual who knows their emotions matter.
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