Are you one of those parents who’s guilty of being on their cell phones too much? You’re not alone. However, a recent study says it's hurting the family dynamics. Learn more about the dangers of distracted parenting here.
A Distracted Parent
Much has been said and written about how we should limit our kids’ screen time, but what about parents? Most of us are in front of screens all day at work, and at home, we’re often on our phones, checking emails, reading articles, and scrolling down our social media feeds.
“Don’t hold your phone!” That’s something that my three-year-old would say whenever he’s trying to tell me something important or exciting, and I would glance at him, semi-paying attention. He doesn’t have my full, undivided attention. He knows it, and I know it too.
As a work-from-home mum, I’m guilty of always being on my phone. During hours when I’m not in front of my laptop working, or when I’m not doing chores, I try to squeeze in some time catching up on social media, online grocery shopping and basically crossing off items in my mental checklist. Most of the time, that takes place in the middle of me watching my kids.
I never wanted to become the busy working mum who has no time for her children, and I’ve always prided myself on being very hands-on with raising my kids. But unknowingly, I fell into the trap of plugged-in parenting.
Plugged-in Parenting
Plugged-in parenting or also known as distracted parenting, according to the website of Michigan State University, is defined as the parent’s overuse of hand-held technology, particularly cell phones and tablets, in the presence of their children.
In a 2010 article, Sherry Turkle, director of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Initiative on Technology and Self, spoke to New York Times about the parental use of technology on their children. In over 300 interviews with children, she has found that feelings of hurt, jealousy, and competition are widespread because of distracted parenting. And what she said about it rings true, even up to now:
“Over and over, kids raised the same three examples of feeling hurt and not wanting to show it when their mom or dad would be on their devices instead of paying attention to them: at meals, during pickup after either school or an extracurricular activity, and during sports events.”
Plugged-in parents, however, are so distracted by their smartphones and tablets that it affects their home life. According to a study published in the Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, parents’ multitasking with their mobile devices around young children can be causing “internal tension, conflicts, and negative interactions with their kids.”
“Parents are constantly feeling like they are in more than one place at once while parenting. They’re still ‘at work.’ They’re keeping up socially. All while trying to cook dinner and attend to their kids,” said lead author Dr Jenny Radesky.
The researchers observed that what parents see online often affects their mood, Inc reports. A stress-inducing work email or a bad interaction could cause them to lash out at their family, for example. Distracted parents glued to their phones also prompt their kids to act out with more attention-seeking behaviour.
Why Are Parents So Glued to Their Phones?
Technology is addictive on its own, but parents seem to be especially susceptible to becoming attached to their devices. Radesky and her team found that parents use their mobile devices for an average of three hours a day.
Parents were reported to say that technology was their “escape” from the boredom and stress of parenting and home life. One mother reported that plugging into the internet reminded her that she had “a life beyond this.”
But technology does have its undeniable advantages: it allows parents to work from home, communicate with family members, and entertain kids.
“You don’t have to be available to your children 100 per cent of the time — in fact, it’s healthy for them to be independent. It’s also important for parents to feel relevant at work and other parts of their lives,” Radesky said.
“However, we are seeing parents overloaded and exhausted from being pulled in so many different directions.”
The Dangers of Distracted Parenting
We may have our own valid reasons for being on our phones more often than before, but certainly, we don’t want to do it at the risk of harming our child’s development, right?
Here are some dangers of distracted parenting that we should know about to make us think twice about our cellphone or screen time habits.
1. It can hinder your child’s emotional growth.
Remember that your child will always take your cue when it comes to emotional health. So when you as a parent are distracted and unengaged with your child, he might miss out on a crucial buffer to help him express emotions through healthy outlets.
You might also miss some problems that could’ve been corrected early if only you were looking and actively paying attention. If it goes unchecked, this can potentially create behavioural issues.
2. Your child feels insignificant.
Ever heard of the saying, “The way you spend your time is where your heart is at?”
Just, for a moment, think of the message that plugged-in parenting sends to your child. For a kid whose dad is constantly on the phone, it’s easy to believe that “something else is more important than me.”
Failure to fully engage in your child’s life robs him of the experiences that prove they are worth somebody’s undivided attention, which can take a toll on their self-esteem and confidence. And if they can’t count on you, his parent, to be fully present in his life, he might feel the need to seek attention somewhere else, and from someone else.
3. It delays your child’s brain development.
It’s undeniable that we have other important obligations to attend to, and have, at one point or another, relied on letting our children use phones and gadgets too to distract them.
However, child experts, time and time again, remind parents of the dangers of screen time on children’s brain development. From a decrease in language skills to lower attention span, there are multiple studies that show the negative effect of screen time on your child’s brain.
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends no screen time for children under 18 months and only two hours a day for children over the age of five, including teenagers. So, think about it: is your child on the screen for beneficial reasons, or just so you can do your own thing?
And even if you’re not giving screens or gadgets to your child, modelling positive behaviour when it comes to gadgets is also important.
4. It hinders the development of your child’s communication skills.
According to AAP, one of the negative effects of screen time is it lessens face-to-face interactions, something that is very crucial in a child’s development, especially in the area of language and socialisation. This goes both ways. If the parent is distracted, then it’s impossible to hold authentic dialogue with his child.
Instead of fully immersing in our child’s interest and telling him more words that will increase his vocabulary, we’ve been reduced to nodding, smiling, and saying words that prohibit open-ended conversations. Don’t be surprised if your child’s language skills will be delayed too.
5. Your child doesn’t develop empathy.
“The phone can wait; precious moments with your children cannot,” says Matt Haviland, author of the book A Father’s Walk: A Christian-Based Resource for Single Fathers.
When our children come up to us when we’re in the middle of something, usually, the response we give them is not the response they need at that moment.
My heart breaks whenever I recall my daughter saying, “Never mind,” dismissing whatever it is she wants to tell me because she sees me preoccupied with my phone. She could tell by the look on my face that I’m distracted, and the excitement on her face disappears as well.
Regardless of age, when our children continually receive the message that their problems are not ours, they struggle to develop empathy because they rarely received it themselves. It’s one thing to teach our children about independence, but we need to be careful to not send the message that we aren’t there for them when they need us.
How to Not Fall Into the Trap of Distracted Parenting
Now that we’re aware of the risks of plugged-in parenting, it’s up to us to change our habits and be more mindful when it comes to spending time with our children.
Radesky and her team recommend that parents do the following to limit screen time and focus on the family:
1. Set ground rules
Agree on certain times of the day when you and your family will unplug from your devices. This could be during mealtimes or bedtime, or when you get home from work. You could also agree to only use your devices in a certain room, or never use your devices in certain areas, like your children’s bedrooms.
2. Monitor your screen time
You could download an app like Moment and Quality Time, which tracks your mobile use. This helps you see which apps eat up most of your time and helps you be more mindful of your behaviour.
3. Take note of what stresses you out
If reading the news or checking your work emails stresses you out and affects your mood, only do this when your kids are busy doing their own thing so you have the time and space to process your negative emotions.
From Distracted Parenting to Mindful Parenting
“The most important things in life are simple, but not easy. We know how to do them, but that doesn’t mean we’re doing it” says Dr. Shimi Kang, a psychologist and author of several parenting books.
According to the expert, one of the things that can help us become more involved in parenting is by practising mindfulness. And the opposite of this is multitasking, which is what happens when you use your phone while watching your child.
“The idea of multitasking is you’re just doing things not very well because you’re constantly switching your focus and attention, that energy of your brain from a task to a different task. Not only is it inefficient, but it’s also very stressful,” said Dr. Kang.
So instead of answering emails while playing with your child, just focus on one thing at a time, and give your full attention to the task in front of you, which at that moment, is being with your child. That’s what mindful parenting is about.
Again, simple, but not always easy, especially if we’ve been so used to holding our phones all the time. But it’s something we need to work on if we want to avoid the pitfalls of plugged-in parenting and reap the rewards of being present with our children.
Using your phone in front of your child doesn’t make you a bad mum or dad. But you can certainly improve your habits and become more mindful as a parent. We can do it!
Anecdotes and updates by Camille Eusebio
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