Just when both you and baby are starting to enjoy longer stretches of sleep after the initial newborn phase of frequent feeding, something happens at the four-month mark.
Your baby starts waking up every 45 minutes in the day and every two to three hours overnight, and you find yourself spending half the day resettling the baby back to sleep. You are cranky, on the edge and perpetually sleep-deprived, and so is your baby.
The phenomenon described above is commonly known as the four-month sleep regression. At four months of age, babies’ sleep starts to mature to become more like that of an adult.
Instead of connecting their sleep cycles seamlessly, they start to wake up fully at the end of each sleep cycle. As they rouse from sleep, they cry out expecting the same conditions under which they were settled to sleep to be recreated.
For instance, if they were rocked to sleep, they would need to be rocked back to sleep again. If their pacifier has popped out, they would need someone to replace it for them.
The constant need for parents and caregivers to attend to their babies can be extremely exhausting, driving them to the point of considering “training” their babies to sleep by themselves.
What Is Sleep Coaching?
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“Sleep training”, or what I prefer to term as sleep coaching, is the buzzword in parent communities these days, with many swearing by its effectiveness.
Equally, however, it has received a lot of flak from naysayers who assert that it damages a baby’s attachment to her caregivers. To form a position on sleep coaching, we must first understand what it is. Sleep coaching simply refers to teaching your child to sleep without the help of parents and/or caregivers.
Some people refer to it as the ability to sleep independently, although a child is never fully able to sleep independently in the strictest sense of the word, as there will always be something that the child needs to associate with sleep in order to fall asleep.
These sleep associations could come from the environment rather than from parents or caregivers. Using a baby who is rocked to sleep as an example, sleeping independently would mean that the baby will start relying on environmental cues such as darkness, white noise, or a comfort toy to sleep rather than being rocked to sleep.
When Can I Start Sleep Training?
The question of when to start is a highly personal one. Firstly, it is important to note that sleep coaching is not something that all families should aspire to do.
If your current arrangement of settling to sleep works for your family, keep at it. However, if you feel that the status quo is affecting your physical, emotional, and mental health and your ability to parent healthily, it is time to consider sleep coaching.
The success of sleep coaching rests on the baby’s ability to self-soothe. As your baby only develops this ability sometime between 3 to 4 months, one should not aim to coach your baby to sleep independently before that.
Many confuse sleep coaching with weaning babies off night feeds and hence use the weight benchmark of 6.5 kg as the indication of when to start. However, sleep coaching and night weaning are two separate issues. Your baby may be ready to learn to sleep independently but may still require night feeds for her nutritional needs.
We must be careful not to go down the slippery slope of forcing the baby to sleep through the night prematurely and inadvertently neglecting the baby’s physical needs.
For parents who would prefer sleep coaching and night weaning to take place concurrently to avoid confusion over night-time settling methods, you can wait till the baby is at least 6.5kg.
It is also possible to wait until the baby has been fully established on solids at 7 to 8 months before starting sleep coaching and night weaning.
The Hows of Sleep Coaching
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Before exploring methods, there are a few considerations you will need to take note of.
Time – You need to carve out at least three days to three weeks to coach your child to sleep independently. If the baby goes to daycare, they will likely be assisted to sleep. Though it is not impossible to do sleep coaching in the evening, some babies might be confused by the vastly different methods of settling to sleep, resulting in the sleep coaching process being unnecessarily protracted.
Place – Try to be home as much as possible during the baby’s naps and bedtime. When naps are short, it is possible to carry them out on the go. However, longer naps must be done at home. It is best to minimise, if not defer outings during this period, at least until the baby’s sleep pattern stabilises.
Person – It is best if the same person settles the baby for naps and bedtime. If another caregiver is involved, he/she should oversee the sleep-settling process at the same time every day.
Routine – Implement a relaxing naptime and bedtime routine to prime the baby for sleep. This could involve singing a lullaby and playing a white noise track before saying a sleep phrase such as “good night” or “it’s sleepy time now”.
Sleep Coaching Methods to Try
There are many ways to coach your child to sleep independently, but for simplicity’s sake, I will outline three broad methods. The same method should be used for settling and resettling, as well as for all naps and bedtime.
Which method you choose depends on your preference and your child’s disposition as not all methods work for all children. When in doubt, it is best to engage a certified infant and child sleep consultant who will conduct a detailed sleep assessment and propose recommendations that are customised to fit your child’s needs.
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Check and Console
Also termed as spaced soothing and check and leave, this method was popularised by Richard Ferber, director of The Centre of Pediatric Sleep Disorders at Children’s Hospital Boston and author of the bestselling book Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems.
This method involves placing the baby awake in her cot after the bedtime or naptime routine and leaving the room directly after. Monitor the baby’s response from outside the room with a baby monitor.
If the baby cries, start a timer and wait for three minutes. If the baby stops crying for about 30 seconds, restart the timer. At the end of three minutes, enter the room to check on the baby. You may reassure the baby verbally using the same sleep phrase used during the bedtime or naptime routine, stroke her back or pat her intermittently.
Stay for no longer than a minute or so. Leave the room thereafter and start the timer again, waiting for a little longer this time. Continue doing this until the baby falls asleep, capping the wait time to a maximum of 10 minutes for the first day, and gradually increasing it on subsequent days. If done consistently, the baby will learn to sleep independently without fussing within 3 to 7 days.
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Gradual Withdrawal
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This method was devised by Kim West in her book Good Night, Sleep Tight: The Sleep Lady’s Gentle Guide to Helping Your Baby Go To Sleep. It is suitable for babies who are above six months old, and mothers who prefer a gentle but systematic method of settling their babies to sleep.
Using the gradual withdrawal approach, you will start off by sitting by the cot and patting the baby to sleep while saying the sleep phrase. After three days, you will shift your chair further away from the cot and use your voice to soothe your baby to sleep.
If the baby starts crying intensely, you may go over to the baby to pat her intermittently, returning to your position shortly after. Three days later, you will move your chair to the door and continue to verbally reassure the baby to sleep, avoiding patting her this time.
After three days, you should be out of the room, checking on her at increasingly longer intervals only if she is crying. During your checks, you will only use your voice to reassure her back to sleep.
When done consistently, babies will be able to sleep independently using this method within 10 to 14 days.
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Pick Up Put Down
This is a gentle sleep coaching method that is suitable for mothers who prefer to be physically present with their baby throughout the sleep-settling process, and who will be able to commit at least two weeks to practise this settling method for all instances of settling and resettling.
It was devised by Tracy Hogg, a British nurse and author of the bestselling book Secrets of the Baby Whisperer. Using the pick-up and put-down method, you will start off by putting the baby down on the cot.
Pat her and use your voice to soothe her to sleep by saying the sleep phrase. If the baby cries after a while, pick her up and calm her down. Put her back down in the cot once she is calm. If she starts crying again, wait for a minute or so before picking her up.
Put the baby down when she calms down, and continue doing this for as long as it takes for her to sleep.
Closing Thoughts
Whichever method you choose, know that it takes time, patience, and a tremendous amount of determination for changes to be effectively implemented.
Above all, be consistent. It might be tempting to dial back on our efforts when the baby seems to be crying incessantly with no end in sight, but that would reverse the good progress that we have already made so far.
Double down on your efforts and see the process through to its completion, and you will eventually achieve your goal of having a good night’s rest for the entire family.
Pro-Mama tip: Track your baby’s sleep pattern easily using theAsianparent app’s new Sleep Tracker. With this tool, you can log your little one’s sleeping time, making it easier for you to anticipate your baby’s waking hours. Download it here for free!
This article was submitted by Sheena Kang of Rested Nest Infant & Child Sleep Consultancy.
Sheena Kang is a certified infant and child sleep consultant based in Singapore who is passionate about helping young families get better sleep.
DISCLAIMER: This article was prepared or submitted by a content contributor. The opinions expressed in this article are based on the author’s view. They do not directly reflect the views of theAsianparent and its affiliates.