Divorce is hard on both parties, but it’s the toughest for the one caught in the middle – the child. It’s not just about a family splitting up; it’s about how it shakes up a child’s entire world. Nobody wishes for this, yet it’s a reality that many families face.
If you or your partner are divorced or considering divorce, it’s important to know that it has long-lasting impacts on everyone in your family – especially your children.
Real Stories: How Divorce Affects Children
“I believe my son became a sensitive child because he witnessed the turmoil in the earlier stages of our divorce,” said Miss Lee, a divorced mum living in Singapore.
“Though he is 8 now, he still remembers what happened when he saw mummy and daddy fighting, and mummy crying in front of him when he was 4. Such incidents are imprinted into his memory and could have made him more sensitive to the people around him.”
“Sometimes, other children or friends have asked my son seemingly innocent questions, such as ‘Where is your daddy?’, ‘Why is he not staying together with you?’, or ‘Why do you have to live in two houses?’
My son would come to me and ask, ‘Why do mummy and daddy need to be apart?’, and ‘Why am I so different from the other children?’ It is difficult to explain the situation as an adult, and it is even harder for a child to make sense of his separated family situation”, she said.
Effects of Divorce on a Child According to Age
The impact of divorce on a child can be seen as early as infancy and continues even in adulthood.
Divorce can leave a long-lasting, sometimes lifelong impact on children. It’s not just a short-term upset; it can really shape their future.
“Divorce can be a difficult time for a family. When parents divorce, children can experience a wide range of emotions such as confusion, sadness, anger, and anxiety,” said Ms Law Ya Wen, a clinical psychologist from Community Psychology Hub (CPH).
“Some children struggle with the changes that accompany their parents’ divorce. They may feel responsible for their parents’ decision to separate or find themselves caught in the middle of their parents’ conflicts.
By helping children and their parents cope with divorce in a healthy way, we can increase their resilience and minimise negative long-term effects,” she added.
The effects of divorce can be life-changing and debilitating on children, which is why it is crucial for parents to help their children navigate this challenging period in their lives.
How to Help Your Child Navigate Divorce in the Family
How can you minimise the impact of divorce on your child? Here are some tips from professionals who work with children:
1. Consider your child’s perspective
Don’t forget to check in with yourself along the way. Ask: What’s my child dealing with right now? Am I putting them in the middle of arguments? Is it bothering them? Figure out how they might be feeling and how you can help them through all of this.
2. Maintain stability in the family
During this challenging time, your child needs stability in their life more than ever. Remind them of the people and things in their lives that they can depend on, such as your love and concern for them.
Be supportive of your children’s relationship and contact with the other parent and their extended family. Reassure your children that both of you are still their parents despite the divorce.
Divorce may also bring about changes to your children’s living arrangements, schooling and social relationships. Having too many changes can be unsettling for them. Minimise changes as much as possible when deciding on your co-parenting plan.
3. Try to Keep the Peace
If you decide to get a divorce, it’s better for your children if you and the other parent can keep the arguing to a minimum. Keep any squabbles or heated exchanges away from your child and do not use them to pass messages to the other parent.
4. Help Your Child Understand How They are Feeling
Children, especially the little ones, might need you to talk with them about how they’re feeling. The key is to listen, understand, and let them know that what they’re feeling is okay.
This includes teaching them how to identify their emotions, acknowledging them when they share, talking about your own feelings, finding positive ways to cope with their feelings and reassuring your child that you will love and support them no matter what.
5. Seek support for your child
At times, despite your desire to help your child navigate through this challenging period, you might find yourself not yet equipped with the necessary mindset or resources. Therefore, for the well-being of your child, it’s important not to hesitate in seeking help.
Both you and your ex-partner’s parents and extended family can be a big help. Ask them to spend extra time with your child, to watch over and be there for them.
There are also available resources and services in the community that can give your child the right support.
Programmes to Help Children Navigate Their Parents’ Divorce
In Singapore, there are different programmes provided by Strengthening Families Programme@Family Service Centres (FAM@FSCs) that are geared to support children in coping with their parents’ divorce.
For instance, the Children of Divorce Intervention Programme (CODIP) helps reduce the stress of parental divorce for children and teaches them skills to cope with its challenges. Children will be guided on topics such as understanding changes in the family, managing parent-child relationships, and dealing with emotions.
If you and the other parent are having a hard time with the divorce or struggling with co-parenting, you and your children can consider signing up for Children-in-Between (CIB), a programme to help reduce the negative impact of divorce on your children when there is conflict in co-parenting.
CIB has separate workshops for parents and children aged 6 to 15. Through this programme, parents can discover ways to co-parent amicably, solve disagreements and understand the needs of their children; while children learn ways to manage challenging situations when caught in-between their parents.
Finally, if your child displays behaviours that are concerning and affecting their well-being, or if they’re talking about hurting themselves or others, don’t hesitate to get them professional help. FAM@FSCs provide free Counselling services for children and families affected by the divorce. It can really make a difference for them to find a safe space to express themselves freely and seek guidance.
Your child’s world may be deeply affected by your divorce, but remember that kids are resilient, and with enough love and the right support system, they can find their way through these tough times and thrive, ensuring that this tough phase doesn’t define their future.
Even with the hurdles that come from being a child of divorce, your child can lead a healthy, well-adjusted life. By enrolling in these programmes, both you and your child can receive the support needed to navigate through this difficult time as a family. Visit MSF’s Family Assist website to learn more.