Dear boys (all of you),
Let me start by telling you how much I love you.
Now, let’s get down and dirty with some important business. Bathroom business to be precise.
You should know by now that I am a clean freak. You’ve seen me turning into a mom-ster when I notice your un-tidied up toys (man-toys too, hubby) and clothes dropped and left on the floor — socks in scrunched up balls and undies reduced to two sad circles.
Sons, I’ll let you in on a little secret that only your father knows (and now everyone will know). I clean when I’m stressed.
Once before you were born, I was really mad over something. Your father, who knows me so well, handed me a gardening fork and unleashed me on our weed-infested garden. In one hour all those weeds were uprooted-dead and our garden was spotless. And lo and behold, I was calm again!
I didn’t really mind cleaning back then because of course, I had so much more free time than I have now, with you two darlings in my life. So, I’m going to be very blunt and say you’re not really doing me a favour when you leave me messes to clean up because now, it just adds to the stress.
And nothing – nothing — gets me more worked up than a dirty bathroom. So, my dearest boys (all of you), to spare you the fear and stress of dealing with mom-ster, I’ve worked on this handy little bathroom etiquette guide that I hope you will read, memorise and put to action.
Husband, please add this to your list of bedtime stories for our sons — for the next month of Sundays. And the three of you can decide among yourselves which point is applicable to whom.
Bathroom etiquette for men and boys
Image source: iStock
1. What goes up must come down: The toilet seat, sweet males, the toilet seat! As the only female in the household, I need to sit, not stand when I do my potty business. Please remember that I do not possess the remarkable organ that lets you pee standing up.
2. Aim and shoot: Your penis is not another person, even though you like to think it is. Therefore, you must think on its behalf.
This includes aiming it into the toilet bowl and peeing into the water you see at the bottom of the toilet bowl. Little boys, this does not include aiming it at each other when you decide to pee together, or twisting it (ouch – why do you do that?) while you pee. Understand? Good.
3. Toilet paper is there for a reason: See that roll of paper my darlings? It is shouting out “Hello there! Use me!”, every time you finish your business and doesn’t like to be ignored. Use it on yourselves and to wipe any splatters, please.
By the way, it is not meant to be unrolled aimlessly and left in piles on the floor, like a mummy has decided to unravel its bindings.
4. Where has your hand just been? Oh, it never crossed your minds, right? So please remember to wash your hands after peeing. As much as I love you, I don’t appreciate your pee-hands leaving their pee-y trail everywhere, thank you very much.
Image source: iStock
5. But at the same time, let’s conserve water: The tap is meant to be opened a bit for you to wet your hands. Then you turn it off while you apply a small blob of hand soap and lather up. Then you open the tap, wash the soap off, dry your hands and carry on.
This, on the other hand, is not how you wash your hands: Open the tap fully so that water sprays everywhere. Leave it running like this for at least five minutes while you run off and get your water guns and empty balloons.
Fill the water guns and balloons and have a mini water-fight. Empty half the bottle of soap on to your hands. Work up a lather that looks like Santa’s beard gone crazy. Spend the next 10 minutes trying to wash it off/pop the soap bubbles. Wipe your wet hands on your horrified mother and runoff.
6. Heard of the dirty linen basket? Do drop your dirty clothes in there before you start admiring yourselves in the mirror.
7. The proper way to squeeze toothpaste: Is to always start from the bottom, not from the middle or other random places. And the lid is meant to be replaced after you’re done squeezing, okay?
Image source: iStock
8. Check after flushing. Twice if you have to: Because I don’t like unpleasant surprises.
9. Shampoo is expensive: So please don’t empty half the bottle down the drain in your attempt to create a bubble monster.
10. Everything has its place: So, toothbrushes go back in the toothbrush holder when you’re done, not left at the bottom of the sink; the hand towel belongs on the rail, not the floor and so on.
Dear husband: of the three, I have to say your bathroom manners are the best. Just a bit of fine-tuning and you’ll be alright. I think.
Dear sons: All I have to say is that someday, your wives will thank me.
Mums, please add your bathroom etiquette tips for males as a comment — after all, us mums need all the support we can get, right?