No parent ever looks forward to having “the talk” with their kids – but with a creative spin (and a brave heart), you can turn those difficult and uncomfortable conversations into relationship builders between you and your child.
Here are 6 conversations that will make you cringe and blush, and sometimes, both. So chuck those inhibitions aside and brace yourself for a conversation you and your child will probably never forget!
1. Death
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Euphemisms used to explain death can be horrifying for kids.
If you tell your child that his granddad was so good that God took him to heaven, he may freak out and not want to be good (so that God will not want to take him too).
Referring to dead animals or people as “asleep” can cause kids to develop a fear of sleeping, as they might worry that they’ll never wake up.
Using a pet as an example is a good way to teach them about life cycles. Get a goldfish (whose life span is fairly short) and explain the process of life, growing old, falling sick (and when they understand that, introduce the possibility of sudden deaths such as meeting with an accident).
Let them grieve over the death of their pet, and allow them to express themselves so you can help them cope.
You can also help your child process his feelings by planning a memorial tribute.
Together, light a candle on the anniversary of the death, or toast to a lost loved one at a holiday meal. Get your kid involved by assembling photos of the departed, or put together a book about them.
2. Puberty
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We advise not to wait for your child to come to you with questions about his or her changing body. When talking to kids about puberty, it’s vital to be reassuring. Puberty brings about so many unimaginable changes that it makes kids feel insecure and alone.
With girls, it’s crucial that parents talk about menstruation before their daughters actually get their flow. If they are not in the know of what may happen (and how to overcome it), girls can be frightened by the sight, and especially the location of the blood.
Pads and tampons are sure to find their way out of your bathroom at some point. With younger kids, be prepared for them to exclaim that they think their mum pees Kool-Aid (which by the way, makes you a superhero).
You need to be giving information on a need-to-know basis. Your six-year-old does not need to know details of how Aunt Jenny’s baby got there but may want to know when the baby is going to get out. But with a ten-year-old, having a conversation about reproduction is necessary.
Remember your kids are already hearing all kinds of things in school (or at the playground), and it’s important they hear it from a more reputable and trusting source.
3. Sexual Orientation
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Many kids are developing unhealthy attitudes about normal things like homosexuality and transgenderism just by watching it on TV or simply being on the streets.
Your talk with your child should be about explaining what sexual orientation is, not moral or tolerance issues.
These days, it’s becoming more tricky to define “normal.” Tell your child that being gay/lesbian is also normal, and that it’s a personal choice.
For most children, being “different” in any sort of way is undesirable. Teach them not to discriminate or poke fun at couples who display such behaviours.
When you discuss your gay friends or relatives; their friends’ gay parents; or your own sexuality, the best thing to do is keep the dialogue open and to keep it light.
Remember to tell them that it is key that a couple supports and loves one another, whether they are of the same sex or not, and there are other non-sexual things make gay love no different from straight love.
4. Polygamy
This one’s probably the toughest to explain to a child. How do you explain to a kid that some people practise having more than one wife or husband at the same time?
They will surely have difficulty wrapping that idea around their heads (be real: even adults would), so take a step back and think how you want to approach this sticky topic.
Is it right or wrong? Leave that up to them to decide. This conversation is to make them aware that such relationships exist whether we accept them or not.
Explain that some people choose to have the freedom of being with more than one person, and that this sort of relationship requires the other parties involved to be in agreement as well.
Advise them not to judge, and if you see them having trouble with digesting this, save it for a later day when they are able to understand it better.
5. Racism
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In today’s world, it’s more important than ever for kids to learn to accept and appreciate diversity. You can start (with little kids) saying everyone comes with different skin colour, but on the inside, we are all the same. Use a brown and a white egg as an example. Break both and show your child that on the inside, the egg is the same.
Explain that people from different parts of the world, or even different regions of the same country, sound different, look different and they should be all treated the same.
Children often learn to stereotype based on what they see on television. When you see a negative stereotype in the media, point it out and let them know you think it’s wrong.
Talk to your kid about what he thinks it would be like if he were in the minority. Ask him how he would feel if people were mean to him simply because he was more tanned than the regular kid in his class. Or if he spoke in a different accent than his classmates.
6. Divorce
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Informing your kids that you and your spouse are going through a divorce is not easy, needless to say. But you can alleviate some of the pain if you stick to a game plan. Enter this discussion with the mindset if focussing on simplicity, truth and emotional comfort.
Avoid sharing inappropriate details about you and your partner (this will only confuse them, and make them feel uncomfortable).
Don’t bad-mouth each other, and make sure you share the same story on the reasons to why this decision was made. Keep the focus on the kids, not on the adults, in terms of how this will impact their lives: Will they be moving? When will they see each of you?
Make sure the kids know they did not cause this to happen. “We grew apart” is a good explanation for starters.
Refrain from telling the children that you are divorcing unless you and your spouse are absolutely certain that the decision is final. Reassurance is key- let them know that you each will separately have relationships with them (that it is not all broken, at least not with them). Secure them and make them feel loved by showing them that even though the family unit is undergoing changes, you will always be there for them.
Establishing an open and honest line of communication between parents and children from an early age is crucial. So parents, take a deep breath, and tackle these issues, one child at a time!
If you have a great idea for helping another parent get out of one of these situations, do share in the comment box below!