Parents' Guide: When and How to Tell Your Child They're Adopted

When should I tell my adopted child the truth about where she’s from?

Adoptive parenting is a difficult journey. One milestone that adopted families face is talking to their children about their adoption. Experts agree that it is critical to have age-appropriate dialogues with children regarding their adoption.

While there is no one “correct” method to handle this, there are approaches you may take to assist your adopted child to comprehend this information.

Importance of telling your child about the adoption

Everyone has the right to know where they came from. Adopted children are no exception. Understanding a child’s birth origins and adoption narrative is essential for them to build a sense of self. Failing to acknowledge a child’s adoption might interfere with their identity construction as they grow older.

Telling your child they’re adopted is important because:

• Your child has the right to know about their adoption.

All children, including adopted children, have the right to know their origin stories. Keeping this knowledge from them deprives them of vital information about themselves.

• You should work on building your child’s trust.

Children who are not educated about their adoption past may have doubts as they grow older, especially if they do not physically resemble their adopted parents. If your children unintentionally learn about their adoption, they may have difficulty trusting you in the future.

• It aids in the formation of their identity.

Understanding one’s origin is essential for building one’s identity. Talking to your children about their adoption can help them build a positive self-image.

• Children benefit from processing their reactions.

Your child may feel a variety of emotions in response to this information. It is critical for coping and accepting to be able to communicate these feelings and get understanding and support.

• It assists them in understanding their genetic and family health history.

Understanding one’s genetic and family health history is critical for disease prevention and management.

When is the best time to tell your child about the adoption?

There is no ideal age to inform your child that they were adopted, but most experts think that starting early, about four to five years old is best.

At this age, children begin to understand the concept of time, so you may describe adoption as a past event. They may not fully comprehend the notion of adoption at this age, but starting the conversation early sets the tone for open communication on the subject as they grow older. It also helps parents become more comfortable discussing adoption.

Parents can begin discussing adoption with their preschool-aged children and then continue these discussions as their children get older. Children’s emotions about adoption can change as they grow, so it’s critical to keep the lines of communication open.

You can share more information about your kid’s adoption over time, such as how old the child was when you adopted her, if they spent time in foster care, and information about their birth parents.

Teens may have more specific queries regarding their background and may even look for information on their biological parents. This is all natural and should not be interpreted as threatening unless you believe your child’s safety is in jeopardy.

13 tips on telling your child about the adoption

It can be difficult to tell your children that they were adopted, but openly discussing adoption has been linked to better outcomes for both children and parents.

While there is no “right” way to approach this conversation, there are steps you can take to explain adoption to your child and help them cope with this news.

Here are 13 ideas for telling your adopted child:

1. Be the one to inform them.

You, as adoptive parents, should be the ones to inform your children that they are adopted. Waiting too long to conduct this conversation may result in children accidentally discovering the truth.

It is preferable to avoid disclosing your children’s adoption status to other young family members or acquaintances who may spread this information before you are ready.

2. Maintain ongoing discussions.

It is ideal to approach discussing adoption with children as a continuous conversation rather than a one-time event. Children will have fresh questions and sentiments at different periods in time as they assimilate this information.

3. Use age-appropriate language.

As your children grow older, the way you talk to them about adoption will vary. Use simple words to describe what adoption is and why they were adopted when talking to young children.

“There are numerous ways to establish a family, and adoption is one of them,” for example. “Sometimes people have babies and are unable to care for them. We urgently needed a baby to look after, therefore we found you.”

You can share additional details with your children as they grow older. Maintaining a calm and confident demeanour communicates that adoption is normal and invites them to share their sentiments with you.

4. Give them your whole attention.

When discussing adoption with your children, make sure you are entirely focused on them. Avoid any potential distractions, such as a television or phone.

5. Validate their emotions.

Children may react to the news of their adoption in a variety of ways, including shock, rage, and worry. It is best to validate children’s feelings when they express them. A simple phrase such as “This is a lot for you to take in right now” or “You sound genuinely sad” expresses empathy.

Avoid disregarding a child’s feelings by saying things like, “Don’t cry,” or “There’s no reason to be unhappy.”

6. Normalise adoption.

Children who learn of their adoption may feel different from their peers. It can assist to normalise adoption by explaining that it has existed for a very long time. Every year, many children are adopted and placed in loving families. Adoption is only one method of forming families.

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7. Use positive language.

When discussing adoption, make careful to use positive wording. Instead of saying “put up” or “given up,” say “chosen adoption.” Instead of saying “actual parent,” say “birth parent.” Also, use the past tense by stating “was adopted,” rather than “is adopted,” because this emphasises that adoption was an action that occurred in the past rather than who the child is.

8. Explain that adoption is permanent.

Young children may be anxious about their adoption and fear that it can be undone. Explain that adoption is a lifelong commitment and that they cannot be “un-adopted” as a punishment. Children can benefit from being reassured that they will always have their family and that nothing will ever disrupt that.

9. Provide age-appropriate books, shows, or toys to assist them in understanding.

Children may benefit from reading books or viewing adoption-related television shows. There are numerous publications for toddlers, children, and teenagers to help parents understand adoption.

Connecting with young children via play is essential. They might wish to play out adoption with dolls or other toys. This could be a novel approach for them to comprehend the news.

10. Highlight your love and support for them.
    

It goes without saying that while discussing adoption with your children, you must convey your love and support for them. In addition to verbalising your love and support, make sure to express it in nonverbal ways as well. You can show love by being physically affectionate and spending quality time with them, for example.

11. Explain your decision to adopt them.

As children get older, they may wonder why you chose to adopt them. You could explain your adoption procedure and how you decided to adopt over time. Many youngsters enjoy hearing about their parents’ efforts to adopt because it confirms how much they are loved and appreciated in the family.

12. Make a lifebook for them.

A lifebook is a tool that allows adoptive families to document their child’s life journey. It’s similar to the baby book that parents make shortly after their child is born.

Children can keep track of their placement histories and chronicle their ideas and feelings in a lifebook. Being able to communicate and preserve their story might be beneficial for children in understanding and coping with their adoption. You can create your own lifebook from scratch or utilise a template.

13. Encourage them to express their feelings and ask questions.

Children will have reactions and questions, which you should encourage them to share with you. Some children may be hesitant to communicate their emotions for fear of upsetting you. If they appear hesitant, explain that you are here to assist them and discuss anything they are thinking or feeling.

Remember that adoption should be a continuous conversation, therefore children should be encouraged to voice their feelings or ask questions at any time.

Telling your child they were adopted is a difficult milestone that all adoptive families must confront. Even though it is challenging, being open with your child is essential for their development. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unclear how to proceed, don’t be afraid to seek further resources or the assistance of a skilled therapist.