What Not to Ask Your College Kid When They’re Home for the Holidays
When they come home, they’re looking for a respite from the pressures of college life.
It’s finally happening. The moment you’ve been counting down to since they first packed their bags: your college kid is coming home. You’ve cleaned their room, stocked the pantry with their favourite snacks, and prepped a list of all the things you’ve been dying to ask them.
But here’s the thing — your college kid might not be as eager to dive into a Q&A session as you are. They’re walking through the door with a mix of excitement, exhaustion, and possibly a sprinkle of anxiety. They’ve been juggling classes, social pressures, and newfound independence. The last thing they need is an interrogation.
So, before you jump into a barrage of questions, let’s talk about what not to say. Think of this as your conversational survival guide for creating a warm, welcoming space where your college kid feels safe to decompress, share (when they’re ready), and just be.
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Table of Contents
1. “How’s School?”
This might seem like an innocent icebreaker, but for your college kid, it’s the conversational equivalent of a dead end. Chances are, their response will be a curt “good” or “fine,” and then… silence.
Instead, try this: Give them time to settle in. Let them kick off their shoes, hug the dog, and savor their favorite home-cooked meal before diving into anything remotely academic. If they feel like talking about school, trust that they’ll bring it up on their own terms.
2. “Are You Having the Best Time of Your Life?”
College is often hyped as a magical, transformative experience. But the reality? It’s not always smooth sailing. If your college kid hasn’t found their groove yet, this question can feel like a loaded reminder of where they’re falling short.
A better approach? Focus on the now. Ask if there’s anything they’d like to do while they’re home or if there’s a favorite family tradition they’re looking forward to. This shifts the focus to what makes them feel good in the moment, without piling on extra pressure.
3. “Do You Have a Best Friend Yet?”
Friendships in college can take time, and not everyone bonds instantly. Asking about their social life might unintentionally highlight insecurities they’re still working through.
Instead, share stories about your own experiences. You could mention how it took you time to find your people, too. This creates a safe space for them to open up without feeling judged.
4. “When Are You Seeing Your High School Friends?”
For your college kid, navigating the transition between high school and college friendships can be tricky. They might feel distant from their old friends or unsure about reconnecting. Asking this question could put them in an uncomfortable spot.
Give them the freedom to decide what they want to do with their time. If they’re meeting up with old friends, great. If not, that’s okay too. Let them manage their relationships without added pressure.
5. “What’s Your GPA?”
Grades are important, but leading with this question can make your college kid feel like their worth is tied to their academic performance. They might already be stressed about midterms or finals, and this could add to the mental load.
Instead, ask how they’ve been feeling about their classes in general. Keep the conversation open-ended and supportive. It’s about showing you care, not scrutinizing their report card.
6. “Do You Have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend?”
Ah, the relationship question. It might come from a place of curiosity or excitement, but it can quickly turn into a minefield. If they’re single, they might feel like they’re letting you down. If they’re dating someone, they might not be ready to share all the details.
Instead, let them guide the conversation. If they want to talk about their love life, they will. Until then, stick to topics that feel lighter and less intrusive.
7. “What’s Your Plan After Graduation?”
Even if they’re only a freshman, this question can feel overwhelming. Your college kid is still figuring out who they are and what they want, and they don’t need to have all the answers just yet.
Reframe the question. Ask what they’ve been excited about or what they’ve learned lately. It shows interest in their growth without demanding a life blueprint.
What Your College Kid Does Need
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Now that we’ve tackled the don’ts, let’s focus on what your college kid truly needs when they come home. Parenting expert Vanessa Kroll Bennett puts it best: “They need to sleep. They need to eat well. They need to be cosy and see the dog. They don’t need to be interrogated.”
Home should feel like a haven. Stock the fridge with their favourite comfort foods. Offer to watch a movie together. Give them the space to simply exist without feeling like they’re being graded on their progress.
Why It Matters
Your college kid is navigating a critical transition. They’re learning how to live independently, make decisions, and manage responsibilities. When they come home, they’re looking for a respite from the pressures of college life.
By creating a supportive environment, you’re helping them recharge and feel ready to tackle the challenges ahead. And who knows? Once they feel comfortable, they might just start opening up about their classes, friends, or that wild roommate story you’ve been dying to hear.
Ready to Welcome Your College Kid Home?
Your college kid’s visit is a chance to reconnect, not an opportunity to grill them. By steering clear of the questions above and focusing on creating a safe, loving space, you’re setting the stage for meaningful moments and heartfelt conversations.
The best parents know when to zip it.
Parenting a college kid is less about asking all the questions and more about embracing the quiet moments. Let them nap on the couch. Let them inhale your cooking (even if they once claimed they were going vegan). And let them come to you when they’re ready to spill the tea (trust me, they will eventually—college roommates are always goldmine material).
But hey, when in doubt, just follow the universal rule: If your kid wants to talk, they will. If they want you to talk, they’ll text. So, for now, sit back, grab the popcorn, and watch them navigate this whirlwind chapter of adulthood. With patience, trust, and maybe just a touch of humour, you’ll be the parent they brag about when they’re back on campus.
Skip the interrogation and embrace the joy of having them back under your roof — even if it’s just for a little while.
Who knows? They might even thank you for it someday.
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