Can I Love My Child Conceived by Rape?

The seed of a rapist

People say, of course you should love the child—the baby is innocent. But put yourself in the shoes of the victim of rape—you may end up seeing the whole scenario in a different light.

Marital rape

This story is about a woman who was married to a man who would rape her, when she refused sex. Is there such a thing as rape in a marriage? You bet there is! It happens when one spouse is not consenting to sex and subsequently has sex forced upon her. This scenario is marital rape.

Because of the belief that married women can not be raped by their husbands, the victim—Madam Lim, 36, received negative feedback from family and friends. She told The New Paper: “Friends, even my own mother, told me that there was no such thing as a husband raping his wife. Some even asked me why I bothered to get married if I hated to have sex.”

Social awareness short film about marital rape

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A living hell

Madam Lim shared: “But even though living with a monster who raped me was a life of hell, for a while, I thought it was better than living without any financial stability. I was lucky that I had a few good friends and counsellors who supported me. Had it not been for them, I don’t think I could have walked out of this low point in my life.”

Should I keep the baby?

She has since left her husband, after deciding she wanted out of a life of marital rape, and lives with her mother and six-year-old son. Lim recounts: “It took me so long before I could accept my little baby and start to love him. I struggled for so long, trying to decide if I wanted to keep a child, who was conceived in rape, with me.”

The baby is a reminder of that deep-seated hatred and shame that came along with rape.

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Not into sex

Lim shared: “I really loved my husband despite the rapes. I just didn’t enjoy the sex. I was frightened of living life alone. Really terrified by the thought of it. I didn’t want to walk out of my comfort zone.”

She ventured: “I just didn’t enjoy sex. If I had a choice, I’d avoid it completely. It was very difficult for me. I’d feel so tense before it and depressed after. It’s just that after a while, he got mad whenever I refused to have sex.”

Healing from rape

Getting help

As with any other case of abuse, it is imperative to not weather the storm alone. Lim sought help. She is grateful to her counselor who helped her get out of her situation.

“If not for her, I would not have taken the steps to rebuild my life. Even when she left and passed my case on to another counsellor, she’d still keep in touch with me to see how I was faring.”

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A new life

She has moved on and is in a new relationship. A new life has begun for Lim. Her agony of marital rape is somewhat behind her. Her ex-husband, who is 10 years older, has someone new in his life too. They do keep in touch because of their son.

She said: “I want to take it one step at a time. We don’t talk to each other unless it’s necessary, like when he comes to pick up our son for weekly visits. But I can see a hint of the man I fell in love with and I know it means he’s happy. And because of this, I can finally let go of my guilty feelings.”