Why Do Men Only Hold Their Own Babies?

A close mate of mine became a father two months before Levi, my son, was born. We’d see each other very often – at least twice a week. When his daughter was born I was elated for him and his wife. Michele and I offered them a congratulatory, bought the girl some prezzies along with a bouquet of flowers and were glad both mother and baby were fine.

I even took the starving father – who hadn’t eaten the whole day, what with the delivery of his child – to a ‘drive thru’ McDonald’s for dinner.

We spent several hours in the ward, checking in baby, talking about the birth and the events leading up to it. Other friends came to visit, left gifts whilst we lingered on until visiting hours were over. All very exciting, as you can imagine.

The women who came and went, all had a cuddle with the newborn girl. I noticed, however, that the husbands were content standing on sidelines merely offering a finger to the newborn’s cheek. Single men, too, stood by the baby muttering comments regarding baby’s resemblance to either Mum or Dad.

I, too, father-to-be, was conveniently lodged in one of the couches provided for most of the duration, offering to fetch something for the new Mum or Dad, but not much else.

If there’s a common theme here, it’s this: men only hold their own babies and don’t seem to enjoy holding babies that don’t belong to them.

Men only hold their own babies!

Oh yes, it’s true! Men don’t sit around in cafes sipping iced lattes, gossiping about other women while painting our nails. Nor do we bid each other good bye with a cheek-to-cheek kiss.

Men certainly don’t like talking about how their bodies are changing, comparing how the uglification of their bosoms are impairing their ability to fit into their previously figure-hugging clothes nor do we cancel swim classes because it’s someone’s time of the month.

Men who gather, if at all, are more likely to have left their wives at home to bond with children while they knock back a couple of cold ones at the local pub. Conversation revolving around their kids is likely to sound something like:

“How’s Jimbo?”

“Yeah, he’s alright. How’s your girl?”

“Yeah she’s alright. Oh c’mon, pass that ball already!”

“GOAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!”

Men don’t complicate conversation. In fact, the general IQ of a male bonding session dips 10% as any attempt to elaborate on the subject matter is drowned out by sports, work, the fitness of a passing woman, cars or why Manchester United really is a glorified attempt of a football club.

Men only hold their own babies because they aren’t touchy-feely

Men only hold their own babies because they don’t know otherwise!

When men greet one another, they stick their hands out for a reaffirming handshake, making brief, albeit sincere eye contact, before letting go and taking a step back into their invisible bubble of personal space.

Long, extended embraces and commentary directed at the others’ nails are unheard of. Similarly, suggesting that one party is either a) looking slimmer, b) looking younger or c) both of the above, just aren’t heard of between men.

Men don’t do those things. Standing at the opposite end of the spectrum from most women – men like to maintain their personal space and their conversation kept to a minimum.

“Where you off to, Smithy?”

“I’m off to the supermarket.”

“Alright mate, I’ll see you later. Take care!”

Further proof of this space-saving phenomenon can be seen in public urinals. A peeing man would never stand next to another peeing man unless he a) desperately needs to go, b) all bathroom stalls are occupied, c) very comfortable with a peeing man standing next to him (though highly unlikely) or, d) all of the above.

Therefore, men won’t hold someone else’s baby for the simple fact that the baby isn’t theirs. Unless it is of their own flesh and blood, the idea of skin-to-skin contact with someone other than the July centerfold girl or their missus is enough to make their skin crawl.

Men have a reputation to protect

Beneath every cold-hearted stare, emotionless action and monosyllabic response lies a genuine heart that’s crying out to be loved, listened to and held.

Men, however, will have none that.

Being brought up on a diet of Hot Wheels, ‘pew-pew’ shooting robots and action heroes (inclusive of 18 moveable body parts). They were told to toughen up, hold back tears and remain cool and collected regardless of the situation.

Essentially, we were brought up to resemble anything but the famous, blonde-haired girl with interchangeable clothing in every imaginable shade of pink – better known as Barbie.

The location: A hot club. Joe Blow is alone, drink in hand. He spots a gorgeous woman checking him out. What does Joe Blow do? He a) puts his free hand in his pocket to look cool and does nothing. (b) Takes out his mobile phone to pretend to be reading a message to look cool and does nothing. Or, (c) looks to the ground, draws a circle with his shoe to look cool and does nothing. Or d) all of the above.

As you can see, men generally prefer to do nothing. In an ideal world, men would partake in more baby hugging and loving. Unfortunately, men enjoy looking like they’ve got it all figured out. They are happy to disappear into the background, looking cool and doing nothing.

To conclude, men only hold their own babies. Because of how society has deemed men ‘should’ behave, they lose out on basic baby-handling skills.

They dislike being touched by others (while they enjoy touching themselves). They enjoy the reputation their silent Blue Steel look provides (while crying to ‘My Heart Will Go On’ at home in the arms of their women). And, would like all things simple (while taking ample delight in assembling a complicated piece of furniture at home).

Arhh, MEN! Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.