Singapore mum with depression shares her battle with suicidal thoughts

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In a touching and heartfelt note, this Singapore mum with depression shares her battle with mental illness and suicidal thoughts...

Sometimes, our readers give us a glimpse of their lives and inner struggles through their comments. So, when mummy Anusha Balasingham left a comment on one of our articles on depression, we felt a little worried. What could possibly be the reason for her sadness? In a touching and heartfelt note here, she shares her story. The story of a Singapore mum with depression...

Singapore mum with depression shares her story

"Depression - a word that many associate with negativity. The depressed individual goes through so much, that very often we don’t show our symptoms openly enough. Sometimes, we ourselves don’t know that we are going through depression."

"I was no different."

"I am a 34-year-old Singaporean mum of two girls - aged 2, and 4 months. I am a successful entrepreneur - a soft skills and enrichment coach. I work with top educational companies teaching at schools. My students have always done well in their education."

"Everyone around me thinks that I am doing very well and I have no regrets. Well, what else can a woman want? Short working hours, earning well, loving husband and kids, yearly holiday trips, a canine friend by my side..."

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"Yes I have everything, except being at peace."

"I was sexually abused at the age of five. Being in an Asian family, the victims are always at fault. No one was there to help me understand that what I went through was not my fault."

"At the little age of 5, I started to have suicidal thoughts. Many times I wrote in my books that I wished to die. As I grew older, the tormenting words from everyone around me increased and so did my depression."

"However I was good at hiding it. No one suspected that I was going through emotional abuse and suicidal thoughts were constantly on my mind."

"I dated many guys.. some of them cheated on me while others were abusive, both physically and emotionally. I had no one to talk to nor cry to. Confiding in my family was hardly a solution."

"During that time, I was also having other medical issues. I had constant menstrual bleeding which could last for months. The longest menstrual bleed I had, lasted for four years."

"I was diagnosed with poly-cystic ovaries, endometrial cysts and endometrial hyperplasia. My parents were not concerned about my health issues, for to them, having all that meant I wouldn’t get pregnant even if I had premarital sex."

"My brother was my mum's favourite child. And so, my hatred towards men simply increased. I did not even want to get married."

And then I met my husband...

"However, at the age of 29, I met my husband. A pure gem, who is my pillar of support. At that time many people even asked me that since I had a good husband, I should be happy. But I was not, why?"

"Simply because, to trust him completely, it took me 5 years. I was not able to give him kids naturally nor give him the intimacy a man needed due to the medical issues I was facing."

"Having menstrual cycle once a month lasting for a week is tough for most women. Imagine having it for months...my hormones and pain were at their peak. Yet, I still went to work and did my duty as a wife."

"The depression started re-surfacing when after 2 years, people around me started asking about kids and if we planned to have them. Most of the hospitals just gave up on me, telling me it was impossible to have kids due to the severity of the medical issues I was having."

Battle with suicidal thoughts

"I finally started to lose my mind in 2014 when I could not remember things nor recall what I was doing. I was admitted in hospital where I was told that my mind had gone blank as I was too depressed and that my mind could not take the depression I was going through."

"With the help of my husband, I overcame this phase, only to fall into depression again, during my pregnancy in 2015."

"It was an IVF pregnancy. The hormone injections plus the morning sickness plus having it to do it all alone without anyone's help made it worse. My maid came in later to help me closer to my delivery date."

"However, after my delivery, during my confinement my father-in-law and sister-in-law gave me torture which put a strain on my relationship with my husband. That I gave birth to girls and no boys, was another complaint that I received from both sides."

"My depression did not subside but went to the back of my mind only to resurface whenever I faced any issues. I did not know how to handle it all."

"Life just went on with occasional suicidal thoughts. With my miscarriage in 2016, it started to slowly soar up. Little did I know I was going crazy then..."

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"I have heard voices telling me to jump down..."

"In 2017, when I did my next IVF, the occasional thoughts started to become regular, making it worse for me to concentrate. In the middle of the year, my helper chose to quit and go home. That was the last straw as I had already spoken to my maid that I was trying for a child, would be doing my education and working and I would need her help to help me out."

"So when she chose to leave, I lost my sanity and depression hit me hard and deep and I tried to kill myself many times. However, each time I tried, my first child and my dog would stop me, making me come back to sanity."

"I have heard voices telling me to jump down. Until then, I never knew how these voices worked. Whenever I heard people mention them, I always assumed that they were lying. When I experienced it, it was so real and traumatizing."

"It was during one of the suicidal attempts and escaping that I sat down and cried. I was pregnant then. I called AWARE and I went for counselling. That was when I realised that I was too deep into depression. My mind was not with me as it was constantly moving to other negative thoughts."

Dealing with depression...

"Now I am slowly overcoming my illness. I have not fully recovered yet. However, I know I will, as I know my trigger points and how to control them."

"Had it not been for my husband who had been with me during those trying times, I know I would have lost it."

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"For those experiencing depression, please take note that it is not something to be ashamed of. It is like any other sickness. And for those whose family members are going through depression, please take note, they can’t get better without your support."

"They need your support to overcome and it is not going to happen overnight."

"Also some things to take note. Most often the symptoms are not that obvious nor clear. It is often hidden and many of them do not even realise that what they are going through is depression. Thus, love and support is important."

Thank you so much, Anusha for being real and sharing your story with us. We are glad that you are able to manage the depression better now with expert counselling and advice.

Mums and dads, if you or a child need help in managing depression:

Also READ: What not to say to a mother fighting depression

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