Frustrated in bed! What can I do to make it better for us?
Find out how to talk to your spouse about making it more fulfilling under the sheets for the both of you.
The greatest obstacle to a highly satisfying sex life for couples is mainly due to a lack of communication.
Although couples often have their differences over sexual wants and needs, many rarely take the time to have deep and meaningful conversations about them. After all,any discussion that revolves around the sharing of insecurities, temptations, turn-ons and turn-offs can be rather daunting and difficult to broach.
Undoubtedly, it is important that you spend some time planning when and how you should initiate such a conversation.
Here are some tips for you to consider:
Select the right time and place
A good time to have this conversation is when both you and your spouse are well-rested or are at least in a relaxed mood. For example, pick a leisurely evening or weekend afternoon to initiate the conversation over some drinks in the living room or over a while enjoying a nice meal at home. Any other relaxed setting that is private enough would also be good.
Do not have the conversation just before, during or right after sex – or worse still, straight after a failed sexual experience in the middle of the night! You do not want the pressure of having to perform in bed weighing on your spouse’s mind.
Get yourself in the right frame of mind
Realign your thoughts to see this conversation as a way to enhance yours and your spouse’s sexual experiences with each other. Seek to understand his or her point of view and preferences as well.
Do not harbour hidden resentment. It would be disastrous to start a conversation with plenty of unresolved frustration or anger towards your spouse.
So, now that you are ready to talk, how do you conduct the actual conversation?
Find out how to initiate that talk with your spouse when you are feeling sexually frustrated.
Start with words of affirmation
Cite an example of something that your spouse does in bed that really turns you on before slipping in a request for a sexual need or to voice your discomfort over certain sexual preferences of his or hers that you are uncomfortable with.
For example, you could say to your spouse, “You make me feel so good when you nibble on my ear before we have sex, but can we talk about your need to use sex toys in the bedroom that I’m uncomfortable with?” or “You drive me wild when you climb on me early in the morning, but I’d also love to experiment with other positions other than that particular new position we’ve been trying out the last couple of times.”
Ask open-ended questions
Express your desire to truly understand your spouse before you bring up your own sexual needs and preferences. Ask questions such as “What is your favorite thing about sex?” or “What do I do that really turns you on?”
In asking for your spouse’s feedback first, you are opening up opportunities to reveal your own sexual needs and preferences too in a non-confrontational manner.
For example, if you prefer having sex at night but your spouse consistently chooses to get intimate with you only in the mornings, you may want to try asking him or her “Do you prefer having sex in the morning or in the evening?” If your spouse replies that it is in the morning that he or she feels more amorous then this will give you the chance to reveal that you actually find it more satisfying having sex in the evening.
Use ‘I’ rather than ‘you’ when you talk
Focus on how you feel about certain sexual needs and preferences of your spouse in a less accusatory manner. For example, you may want to say “I feel very uncomfortable when…” instead of “You make me feel very uncomfortable…”
Resist the urge to blame your spouse and stop yourself from saying things like, “Why do you always want to…” or “You never think about me when you…” Instead, focus on your thoughts and feelings in a non-antagonistic way as this will increase the chance of your spouse seeking to understand your sexual needs and preferences. Try saying “I would really appreciate it if you…” for a more positive response from your spouse.
Choose words with positive connotations
When you are trying to voice a sexual preference or need of yours, instead of saying ‘I hate it when you…” try saying “I would prefer it if you don’t…”
By communicating in an open, honest but affirming manner, you will create more opportunities for you and your spouse to share intimately about what you both really need in order to have that highly loving and satisfying sex-life you both crave for with each other.
Has talking about what you want in bed to your spouse helped? Any other useful tips you’d like to share? Let us know by leaving a comment below!
Focus on the Family Singapore is a local charity dedicated to helping married couples and their families thrive through differentiated programs, trusted resources and counselling services. Find out more at http://www.family.org.sg/marriedcouples.