After years living under one roof, I've come to realise that the only way to get my husband to "help me out", is to stop using those exact words.
You should stop using the phrase "will you help me..." because he isn't technically doing you a favour if he was meant to be doing exactly those things.
Men should be responsible enough to take initiative and we shouldn't harp on them never helping us out. Instead, treat him like the capable adult he is.
#1 He isn't my personal assistant
My husband is a fully functioning adult human being. He doesn't need to take directions from me to be useful. He is useful all on his own.
If there is something I need him to do that he’s not noticing, I can say it. But he's not doing it for me. It’s because it’s what needs to be done in a busy household. When he asks me to get the baby a blanket, he never mentions it being for him because it’s not. I’m not his assistant, and he is not mine.
#2 Responsibility isn't all mine to claim
I don’t own the responsibility of keeping our house clean and our kids ready for school/bed. It’s not solely my job. By using words like "help me out" instead of simply asking him to do something, I’m framing the family dynamic and taking on that ownership by default – which isn't at all healthy for our relationship.
#3 It perpetuates unhappiness
Yelling at my husband to "help me out every once in a while" is only going to cause tension and unhappiness in the family. Why does he get angry? Because, most of the time, he actually DOES handle certain household matters. Helping out in different ways and doing it differently from me doesn't make him entirely unhelpful and irresponsible.
#4 It sets an example for our kids that I don’t mean to set
I don’t want my boys growing up thinking that if they wash their own dishes they’re doing their partner some sort of favour. I want them to take personal pride in being a responsible individual, not someone who only does certain things after being told to do so.
#5 It diminishes our partnership.
My husband is my partner-in-crime, my equal. We might not always think the same way and are always at different wavelengths when it comes down to how we do household chores but that's okay. Because we are not the same person. What’s important is that we work together to accomplish the main goal, which is to do our best in maintaining a happy and healthy family.
#6 It makes me seem like I'm the evil dictator
I don’t want to boss my husband around. I certainly don’t want him to think that his purpose is to help me out 24/7, because it’s not. His purpose is to be a father and a loving partner. And kill cockroaches.
#7 It's exhausting
Can you imagine all that wasted energy spent on telling someone to do something they're already supposed to do. Just relax and quit micro-managing. Your husband will soon come to realise that the mess in the kitchen isn't going away until he does what he's supposed to do.
#8 It throws everything off balance
Being the default "leader" in the family throws our entire relationship off balance. My kids aren't going to respect their father if I keep calling the shots and showing disapproval at the things he does or does not do.
#9 It is demeaning to your husband
It's demeaning to be told what to do all the time. If he doesn't do what you please, communicating it to him in a nice tone of voice will get him to understand the situation better. This brings on to my next point.
#10 Nagging doesn't help
To men, listening to a woman nagging is almost equivalent to hearing a mosquito buzzing – it's there near your ears but you have no idea how to catch it and fling it away.
So next time my husband leaves his clean, dry laundry in the dryer for six days, instead of nagging at him to "help me out" and fold it so that I can wash the kids’ clothes, I’ll just tell him to get his crap out of my way.
