Sex addiction: A compulsion that hurts partners in a way no other addiction can. This is a story of sad revelation – how a Singaporean woman’s life took a completely different turn upon discovery that her husband of 2 years was a sex addict.
“His sex addiction (to put it bluntly) was like playing emotional ping pong.”
Eunice (not her real name), a 37-year-old HR executive and second wife to 38-year-old Daryl*, shares with us her story of what it’s like to live with a highly sex-crazy man.
I met Daryl at a company event. He was an engineer in the same company I was working for, which meant that I was well aware of his recent divorce. But that didn’t stop me from being attracted to him, and then accepting his invite to our first date. One thing led to another and we tied the knot a year later.
I never got to know why Daryl’s first marriage failed. He was not a very outspoken person and hardly shared emotions or details about his past. I’m also never one to bring up uncomfortable things, and to be honest, everything was going so well that I didn’t think it mattered at that point.
It was only after about a year into our marriage that things started to get unusual…in the bedroom. Sex was frequent, but felt very mechanical and intimacy always felt slightly out of reach.
Daryl kept asking me to watch porn with him, and I did it a few times, then realised that the moves and positions we tried were a mere imitation of what we had just watched. I couldn’t help but think that he was imagining the porn star as the one he was making love too. His sudden escalation in intensity and vigorous movements in bed (not forgetting the loud grunts) which were all so unusual, only led to me thinking that it wasn’t be he was having sex with.
It started to worry me even more when Daryl got mad at me and aggressive at times, saying that I wasn’t giving him enough sex. He would throw a fit and sometimes our fights would end up in him walking out of the house, returning only the next morning. He wouldn’t pick up my calls and ignored all my texts.
His work trips to Bangkok began then, and would be as often as twice a month. In my mind, I know where my head went when I thought of him being away for nights in a city that is known for accessible sex. But I knew that my husband would never resort to paying for sex. Boy, was I wrong.
Daryl then revealed to me that he had made frequent visits to strip clubs whenever he was ‘working’ in Bangkok. He cockily announced that there was this one time that he tried to kiss one of the girls in the club. This sent me into a tailspin. And rightfully so.
I went beserk, and sought advice from our mutual friends. This was the time that his closets buddies revealed to me the reason for the failure of his first marriage – his ex-wife had found emails that led to telling her that he was cheating on her.
I felt stupid because I took too long to find out the truth and also because I didn’t find it necessary to probe about his failed marriage. Was I not enough? Were we not sexually compatible? I was hurt beyond words.
Of course, I put on my FBI cap and started doing something I never thought I’d have to do- I looked through his phone. To my horror, I found explicit sexts to a couple of random women he had met on nights out.
They were mutually fantasising about having sex at the park and planning their next rendezvous. In one of the texts, one of the women had suggested that I was an inadequate wife for him. He hadn’t disagreed. Instead he went on to describe the curve of her breasts, and how much he loved fondling them. Imagine the pain that engulfed me at that moment.
That also brought me to think about what he used to tell me – “Sometimes,” he said, “sex is just sex.” This, I suppose, could have been interpreted as a handy rationalisation from someone who’d been having lots of it, with other women. Had I been so stupid and blind in his love? How could I miss the signs?
Daryl, upon confrontation that evening confessed that he was addicted to sex. I found it ridiculous at first… addicted to sex? Was this just a way to get out of the trouble he was in? Was this the reply after cheat gave their partners?
I am now even more poised to leave him than ever before, but I do still love him slightly. Despite this flaws, despite this major setback in our marriage. I don’t even know if I can forgive him for cheating on me… but he dismisses it as a ‘medical problem’.
Yes, this issue started way before he met me, but it does affect me. I’ve now put him in the ‘addict’ box but how do I lump him together with all the other stories I’ve heard about other sex addicts? Just thinking about that makes my heart sink and my body shudder.
A series of bad thoughts play in my mind all day. Is there hope for recovery for sex addicts? Is this all a lie or a manipulating game? Trust is definitely an issue now with us- how do I know this will not happen again?
Is sex a medical condition or a lame excuse to be a jerk? I’m tired of this ping pong game, and would like to put my racquet down now.
(Story as told to Pavin Chopra)
Sex addiction is a state characterised by compulsive participation or engagement in sexual activity, despite negative consequences. In most cases, the sex addict (SA) refuses to accept that they’re addicted, almost always resulting in compulsive behaviour which can damage the relationship they have with their loved ones. In worst cases, the SA can even result to cheating.
Telltale signs that your man is a sex addict
- An unhealthy love of pornography (mostly enjoyed in secret).
- Many sex addicts will still masturbate even after sex.
- They’re extremely confident sexually, and sometimes slightly aggressive.
- He’ll become secretive about his phone and maybe even sneak off for late night booty calls.
- He’ll become extremely uptight and angry if you withhold sex from him when he demands it.
If you know anyone who has such an addiction, click here for help.