Looks can be deceiving...
You may be fooled by my innocent and sweet looks - but deep inside, I hide a dark and shocking secret: I am addicted to sex and my husband cannot satisfy my beyond-control urges.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a great wife and mother to our daughter. But being a stay-at-home mum was not easy - at some point it became so mundane and boring, I needed more for myself. I was unfulfilled at home and I strayed… only for sex.
Was I always like this?
I know a crazy high sex drive is a problem that can greatly alter lives and careers. Just ask Tiger Woods or Arnold Schwarzenegger. But before you come at me with pitchforks, let me explain. I was never like this. I was a virgin till I got married to Thomas* and we had ‘regular sex’ like ‘regular couples’ do. I followed home rules and worked around my husband’s and daughter’s schedules 24/7.
My husband worked around the clock (he’s managing a start-up) and travels a fair bit too. We don’t see each other much, nor have sex as often anymore. He has never brought me to orgasm, and I dismissed this as the myth we’ve all heard - that not all women can reach orgasm during sexual intercourse.
My daughter started getting very busy with her own life - after-school activities, outings, project meets, sleep-overs.
How did I keep busy?
I started hanging out with my friends - just doing simple things like watching movies, going to local bars, and with that came meeting new men. Dangerously good-looking, suave men. Men who just wanted a fling. And at that time, that was exactly what I was looking for. I was not interested in having a relationship- just pure and wild sex. Just to satisfy my insatiable urges.
Dangerously good-looking, suave men. Men who just wanted a fling. And at that time, that was exactly what I was looking for. I was not interested in having a relationship - just pure and wild sex. Just to satisfy my insatiable urges.
So that’s how it started...
I would meet random men at bars, clubs and on Tinder (with a fake profile of course), and we would end up having the best romp in bed. I learned how to disconnect from the emotional side of intercourse.
If I saw a wedding ring, I didn't let it put me off. There was no getting to know each other, no call, no messaging, no dates. I would leave them if the sex was unsatisfying- this was essentially what I was in it for anyway. I practised safe sex each and every time.
One time a man wanted me to do things that weren't my cup of tea, including bondage and threesomes, so I didn't meet him again.
This continued for a year - l led a double life. I must have slept with at least 15 men. Yes, I felt guilty and cheap when I thought of my child and my husband. I would cry myself to sleep every night.
I even had a few breakdowns during sex with some of these men. But I didn’t know how to stop. It was like a drug or smoking addiction. I just wanted more. And more. And more.
Did I try to stop it?
I'm no stranger to masturbation, and that does help calm my libido, but it definitely does not make it vanish. And the satisfaction of masturbation diminishes overtime. Working out helped at times, but seemed to amp up my physical confidence overtime, and eventually boosted my libido again.
I want sex all the time (like everyday). If I don’t have it, I feel like I can’t function normally. Please don’t think that I am proud of the fact that I am cheating on my husband - the guilt consumes me and I hate myself for not being able to enjoy it with him (the few times that we have slept together).
I didn't embark on an extramarital affair lightly. I've tried everything to improve our sexual relationship. We've been together for 12 years; I still love him and he loves me but physically it's been very frustrating. He definitely has a lower sex drive than I have and doesn't seem that keen.
It's my poison...
Sex with these men is intense, passionate, wild. I try out things I never imagined I would. It sometimes feels like I have floated into someone else’s body. The adrenaline and rush gives me this sexual satisfaction I’ve never gotten from Thomas. And I need it - it’s my poison.
I know at some point I have to stop, some how. But how? I really do not know. I pray every night that my family never finds out about my ‘addiction’, because that would be something they could never endure- the hurt, the disgust, the betrayal. I hate myself and if I told anyone who I was, and the things that I did, they would hate me, too.
If you know of anyone with a similar condition or in a similar situation, please direct them to S.L.A.A
(As told to Pavin Chopra)
*Names have been changed to protect identity.