Ask the Expert: Nurturing Emotional Intelligence from Early Childhood

As parents, we often find ourselves wondering whether our children’s emotional reactions are typical, whether we’re doing the “right” things, or how we can best support their emotional growth—while trying to keep our own calm in the process. Emotional intelligence (EQ) is now widely recognized as being just as important as IQ, especially in helping children navigate friendships, setbacks, and self-awareness.

To help parents make sense of the emotional rollercoaster that is early childhood, we invited Counsellor Meeta Gupta Hari, Counsellor at Reconnect Singapore, for an Ask the Expert session. She answers real, heartfelt questions from fellow parents on everything from tantrums and meltdowns to guilt, empathy, and bonding.

My 5-year-old gets frustrated easily when things don’t go perfectly—like when she colors outside the lines or her blocks fall. I get mixed feelings—sometimes overwhelmed, sometimes sad. Is this normal?

Counsellor Meeta: You’re absolutely right in recognizing the importance of regulating your emotions. As parents, we need to be calm in our children’s storms. Children learn from more from our actions than our words. If they see us getting upset over our mistakes, they may learn that mistakes are not good. If we show in our actions that we are all human and we all make mistakes, they will be more forgiving with their mistakes.

It’s completely normal for a 5-year-old to get frustrated easily. When that happens, you can use it as an opportunity to reflect and guide them. You might say something like, “I can see you’re frustrated because your blocks fell. I feel frustrated too when things don’t go as planned. What helps me is taking a few deep breaths, stepping away for a moment, and then coming back to solve the problem.” This approach will not only help you handle the situation calmly but also model how to manage frustration for your child. All the best!

My 4-year-old son is very sensitive. He cries easily when scolded or when someone takes his toy. Meanwhile, my 7-year-old daughter is bossy and strong-willed. Is this my fault?

Counsellor Meeta: It’s completely normal for siblings to have different personalities and behaviors—this is what makes each of us unique. Everyone has varying levels of sensitivity, and it’s wonderful that you’re able to recognize the differences between your two children. This awareness can help you adapt your parenting approach to better suit each child’s individual needs.

It’s important to remember that your children’s sensitivities are not a reflection of something you’ve done wrong. What is within our control is how we respond to their behaviors. I encourage you to take note of how you feel when you see your son cry. Perhaps you feel worried for him, or maybe his tears make you uncomfortable if crying wasn’t allowed when you were a child. By understanding our own emotional responses to our children’s behaviors, we can better support them in navigating their big feelings. All the best!

I’ve heard EQ is more important than IQ. What does this mean day-to-day? My 2-year-old throws things when upset even though we try to validate their feelings.

Counsellor Meeta: I believe both EQ and IQ play crucial roles in leading a healthy and successful life, so your question is quite relevant. At 2 years old, children are in an exploratory phase of development, trying to make sense of the world around them. While they experience the same emotions as older children and adults, they don’t yet have the language skills to express them. Instead of saying, “I feel upset that my toy broke,” a toddler might show their frustration through behaviors like throwing things, pushing, or even trying to bite. These are all normal and typical behaviors for a toddler.

It’s wonderful that you are validating your child’s emotions with words. By doing so, you’re modeling how to use language to express feelings. With time, you will begin to see the positive effects of your efforts as your child starts to express their emotions with words too. All the best!

I feel like I pass my stress to my son (20 months). I yell sometimes when I’m exhausted, but I apologize later. The guilt still lingers—how can I prevent this from affecting him?

Counsellor Meeta: I truly appreciate your honesty. As parents, we all have moments when we get cranky or tired and may snap at our children—it’s completely human. What’s really valuable is being able to apologize to our kids. It teaches them that everyone makes mistakes, and apologizing is a healthy way to repair those mistakes. The fact that you feel guilty afterwards shows how much you care for your child.

While we can’t prevent our emotions from affecting our children, we can become more aware of them. By understanding and nurturing our own feelings, we can better support our children. I always believe that happy moms are good moms. Take time to figure out how you can carve out some breaks for yourself to reduce stress. Even something as simple as being outside for 5 minutes to center yourself before you enter the house after work can make a difference. Additionally, checking in with yourself and naming your stresses can be a powerful tool in managing them. All the best!

My 3-year-old suddenly screams or cries out of nowhere. Should I be concerned, or is this normal?

Counsellor Meeta: It is normal for toddlers to scream and cry for no apparent reason. While they experience the same emotions as older children and adults, they don’t yet have the language skills to express them. Instead of saying, “I feel upset that my toy broke,” a toddler might show their frustration through behaviors like throwing things, pushing, or even trying to bite.

I would also encourage you to acknowledge your own frustration—parenting can be exhausting and challenging at times. Often, our children’s behaviors can trigger old wounds from our own childhoods, such as feelings of helplessness, lack of control, or insecurity when they cry or misbehave. It’s important to stay calm when he’s crying and comfort him with your presence. The more relaxed you are, the faster your child will be able to calm himself. All the best!

My 2-year-old throws tantrums and hits me when I say no. How can I help him manage his emotions better?

Counsellor Meeta: At 2 years old, children are in an exploratory phase of development, trying to make sense of the world around them. While they experience the same emotions as older children and adults, they don’t yet have the language skills to express them. Instead of saying, “I feel upset that my toy broke,” a toddler might show their frustration through behaviors like throwing things, pushing, or even trying to bite. These are all normal and typical behaviors for a toddler.

I encourage you to acknowledge your own frustration—parenting can be exhausting and challenging at times. Often, our children’s behaviors can trigger old wounds from our own childhoods, such as feelings of helplessness, lack of control, or insecurity when they act out. When our survival mode kicks in, we may react in ways we don’t intend.

It’s important to remain calm when he’s having a meltdown. You can set boundaries by holding his hands gently and saying something like, “I’m here with you. I won’t allow you to hit. I can see you’re really upset right now.” If you find yourself getting more frustrated, try stepping away for a moment if possible, and let someone else step in for a few minutes to give you a break.

Also, take a moment to check in with yourself—are you getting enough rest and self-care? Parenting young children is relentless work, and it’s often thankless. I truly appreciate the effort you’re putting in and your dedication to becoming a calmer parent. The calmer you can stay, the easier it will be for your son to move through his tantrums. All the best!

I’m a new mom, and sleep deprivation makes me snappy and impatient. How can I regulate my emotions better while caring for a baby?

Counsellor Meeta: Nothing really prepares us for the exhaustion of early parenthood. It makes sense that you are more irritable and get impatient.  Is there any way you can get more rest? Maybe someone could watch the baby while you take a break? I truly believe that happy moms are good moms. It’s also helpful to check in with yourself and see if you might be setting unrealistic expectations.

As moms, we need to aim to be “”good enough,”” not perfect. It’s incredibly hard to regulate our emotions when we’re sleep-deprived, hungry, tired, angry, or lonely. Remember, it truly takes a village to raise a child—see who can be part of your support network.

Also, don’t forget that our bodies go through so much during and after childbirth, which can contribute to feelings of irritability too. The fact that you’re writing in and seeking advice shows that you are a caring and thoughtful mom. Wishing you all the best!

My 8-month-old seems to prefer my husband over me, even though he’s rarely around. Should I be worried?

Counsellor Meeta: This is a common concern for many new moms. It’s actually very healthy for babies and children to be exposed to different caregivers who love them. I’m assuming you spend more time with your baby than your husband does, so when he comes home, your baby may see him as a “new face” and become curious. This is completely normal.

I’d also encourage you to reflect on the feelings that come up for you when your baby prefers your husband. Do you feel rejected or frustrated, especially because you’re putting in so much effort to care for your baby? I believe in the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” and the bond you share with your daughter is incredibly special. No one can ever take that away from you. All the best!

My 3-year-old daughter is very shy and avoids people outside the family. Should I push her to socialize?

Counsellor Meeta: We are all unique, each with our own personalities and behaviors. It is quite normal for children of this age to be shy. To little ones, strangers can feel like a source of danger, and retreat to familiar faces who are their safe space.

This could be a phase that she would soon grow out of. Maybe she is in introvert who needs her time to get acquainted with new people.

Allow her to listen to her instincts when it comes to socialising with others, and don’t pressure her to speak with people if she is not ready. One way to teach socialization is to organise a play date with one other child and that child’s mom. She will gain confidence by observing you in social situations and gradually learn how to navigate them herself. All the best!

I had a stressful pregnancy. Could that impact my baby’s emotional well-being in the long run?

Counsellor Meeta: I am sorry to hear that you had a rough and stressful pregnancy. That can certainly take a physical and emotional toll on a mother. I hope you are able to prioritize taking care of yourself now. The greatest gift we can give our children for their emotional well-being is our own emotional health. The more you take care of yourself, the better equipped you’ll be to care for your baby. Babies are very attuned to our emotions—they absorb our feelings and energy, and they can sense our anxiety and sadness. If you continue to face stressors in your life, it may be helpful to talk to a counselor who can offer support.

Additionally, it may be worth considering what helps you relax and cope better with your stress. What support system do you have in place to assist with caring for your baby? How do you manage to care for yourself while also taking care of your baby? These are important questions to reflect on as you navigate this challenging time. All the best!

Is the “terrible twos” real? My son is turning 2 and has been shouting, crying, and hitting more than ever.

Counsellor Meeta: At 2 years old, children are in an exploratory phase of development, trying to make sense of the world around them. While they experience the same emotions as older children and adults, they don’t yet have the language skills to express them. Instead of saying, “I feel upset that my toy broke,” a toddler might show their frustration through behaviors like shouting, crying, throwing things, pushing, or even trying to bite. These are all normal and typical behaviors for a toddler.

The newborn brain is 25% of the size of an adult brain, and by the time a child reaches two years old, it has grown to about 80%. This period is marked by rapid brain development, and toddlers often experience frustration when their bodies can’t keep up with their growing ideas and desires. They express this frustration through their behavior.

It’s important to remain calm when he’s having a meltdown. You can set boundaries by holding his hands gently and saying something like, “I’m here with you. I won’t allow you to hit. I can see you’re really upset right now.” If you find yourself getting frustrated, try stepping away for a moment if possible, and let someone else step in for a few minutes to give you a break.

Also, take a moment to check in with yourself—are you getting enough rest and self-care? Parenting young children is relentless work, and it’s often thankless. See if you can lean on other people in your family to support you with parenting. All the best!

Is it true that babies can sense their parents’ stress? Can my rough day affect my baby?

Counsellor Meeta: Babies are quite attuned to our emotions—they absorb our feelings and energy, and they can sense our anxiety and sadness. This is why it’s so important for parents to prioritize self-care.The greatest gift we can give our children for their emotional well-being is our own emotional health. The more you take care of yourself, the better equipped you’ll be to care for your baby. That said, we all face stressors, and the goal isn’t perfection. Happy moms are good moms. It may be helpful to think about what helps you relax and cope better with your stress. What support system do you have in place to assist with caring for your baby? How do you take care of yourself while also caring for your little one? Reflecting on these questions can help as you navigate this stage of life.

When a child throws a tantrum, should I teach them emotional regulation in the moment, or calm them down first?

Counsellor Meeta: When a child (or even us adults!) is upset and has a meltdown, it is important for us to soothe and calm them first. A tantrum means that their big feelings were too much for their little bodies to handle. Young children do not have the vocabulary to express all their feelings, so they show them with their bodies – through crying, screaming, throwing stuff, pushing etc. It is essential that they still feel our love and presence in that moment, rather than our disapproval and rejection.

Your calm presence is the greatest gift at that time which will help soothe the child. When children are in this heightened state, they cannot learn anything cognitive. Learning comes later when the child and the parent are both in a calm state. Hope this helps. All the best!

Can we teach young children to be more empathetic and aware of others’ feelings? Or is it too early?

Counsellor Meeta: Children learn empathy by observing their caregivers show empathy and love. As a parent, you can model empathy toward yourself, your child, and others around you. Over time, your child will gradually absorb these qualities from you. While young children may sometimes struggle to express empathy, it is absolutely a skill they can develop by watching and learning from those around them.

My 20-month-old son wants to wear my prayer garment (mukena) all the time. Should I be concerned about gender identity at this age?

Counsellor Meeta: At his young age, it’s likely that he is simply modeling behaviors he observes, which is a normal part of his development. He probably doesn’t see these behaviors as gender-specific, as he may not yet fully understand the meaning of prayer items or other items at this stage. At this age, he’s likely developing curiosity about the people around him, so this could be a great time to offer opportunities for him to be around peers to encourage socialization. Interacting with others in a safe environment can be really beneficial in helping him learn to express himself and develop prosocial skills, all of which are important for the healthy development of his personality.

I’m a naturally affectionate mom, but my in-laws say I’m spoiling my 2.5-year-old. Is too much affection really bad?

Counsellor Meeta: It’s wonderful that you’re a loving and attentive mother. Trust your instincts when it comes to raising your child. You can never give too much love, as long as it’s paired with age-appropriate boundaries. Being kind and firm with your children is completely possible. You don’t need to pretend to be someone you’re not.

I’m also curious about what “spoiling” a child really means. If “spoiling” refers to giving in to every demand and saying yes to everything, then yes, children can become spoiled. However, if it means showing love, teaching gently, and treating them with respect and kindness, then these are all signs of good parenting. Keep doing what you’re doing! All the best!

My 2-year-old “fake cries” to get what they want, and we often give in to avoid a scene. Is this habit forming?

Counsellor Meeta: As mothers, we often have an instinctive sense of when our child is genuinely distressed versus when they are fake crying or screaming. I encourage you to trust your gut. If you feel the crying is just an attempt to get something, you have the right to say no. I understand that as parents, we sometimes give in because it’s hard to see our children cry and scream.

It’s important to stay calm during a meltdown. You can set boundaries by saying something like, “I can see you’re really upset right now because I said no. I am here with you.” If you start to feel frustrated, try stepping away for a moment, if possible, and allow someone else to step in for a short break. The more consistently you stick to your “no,” the easier it will become for your child to understand that not every request results in a yes. The real challenge is finding ways to stay calm when the child is in distress, especially when giving in feels like the easier option. It would also be good to have your babysitter on board with you so you both communicate boundaries in a similar way.

Why is nurturing emotional intelligence from an early age important? Any practical tips?

Counsellor Meeta: It’s crucial to nurture emotional intelligence from the beginning, as these positive habits will support children as they grow, helping to build healthy self-esteem and self-confidence. As one user mentioned, EQ is just as important as IQ in today’s world. Being aware of why we behave the way we do is essential because it allows us to recognize our blind spots and work on improving them. It’s an invaluable skill for children to learn self-reflection early on, helping them become aware of their own behaviors and emotions. This awareness can guide them in making better choices and developing stronger emotional intelligence as they grow.

Today, both parents and schools are increasingly aware of the importance of emotions and are actively teaching the next generation about them. It’s beneficial to regularly talk about feelings with our children. You can begin by sharing your own feelings and how you manage them. Naming emotions is a simple yet powerful technique that children can pick up by observing us. Aim to listen more and talk less, and make an effort to be fully present with your children—free from distractions like devices or running to-do lists.

The more we can regulate ourselves, the more our children will learn to regulate during moments of stress. Our role modeling plays a significant part in this. When we remain calm, our children are able to sense our calmness and absorb those feelings—this process is known as co-regulation.

We all have the basic need to feel seen, heard, and understood. So, another helpful tip is to listen to and validate your child’s feelings. This doesn’t mean we have to give in to all their demands, but simply acknowledging when they’re upset or when things feel difficult for them can make a big difference.

About the Expert

Meeta Gupta Hari is a Counsellor at Reconnect Singapore and an advocate for the emotional well-being of children and parents alike. With deep experience in child development and family support, she helps parents navigate the emotional ups and downs of raising children. Counsellor Meeta believes that helping children recognize, express, and manage their emotions is just as crucial as teaching them how to walk or talk. Through her work, she empowers families to build stronger emotional connections and lifelong resilience.

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